i wish i could go back to what life was like before my eating disorder.It's been about a year now since i felt myself starting to develop one, brought on by the beginning of quarantine and seeing all of those workout/weight loss videos. i've always had very little muscle strength and have severe asthma, so when i wanted to try and better myself like the women i saw doing it online, i quickly figured out that i couldn't do it. it discouraged me for a long, long time, and it didn't take long after that for my attempt at "bettering myself" to turn into something that had nothing to do with that at all. all i wanted to do was lose weight, so one day i stopped eating the things i loved entirely - went straight to ten glasses of water today, rice cakes, mint gum, the eating disorder classics, and i lost weight fast. i was so happy with every pound i lost when i weighed myself every friday, but there's something to be said about restrictive eating disorders - the progress doesn't keep coming just like that. i was eating 400-600 calories a day at my lowest in the very beginning, but i stopped losing weight, and started eating more out of lack of "motivation" to keep going.now i'm eating up in the thousands again, probably not too much more than 1300 a day (which i know is still too little, but i can't do anymore.) i guess this is me recovering. i have more energy, i can stand up without wanting to pass out, i don't binge eat as much because i haven't been restricting, and my hair has stopped thinning.but the problem is that i don't want to recover. i still weigh myself every friday, hoping to god that i'm not going to see the numbers go up. i like being skinny. i like the way my family members comment on how small i've gotten, even though i don't think i seem small at all. i still see myself as fat and shapeless, just how i used to be, and all their comments are is motivation to me - i could be skinnier. i don't want to get any bigger. every time i eat something, i think about how much will end up pushing me back to where i was before; when i'm going to start to really gain again, when i'm going to get back to square one.i just wish this hell disease never happened to me in the first place. i hate my body, i hate food, i hate myself every time i eat. i just wish i could go back to a time where everything felt normal, but even if i was never underweight or lost my period and my body is healthier than it's ever been in "recovery," i've screwed over my mind for the rest of my life. and it's all my fault.i'm so, so tired.