i wish i had been abused as a kid

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Is it bad that I want something bad to happen to me? I'm super depressed but I have literally no reason to be. I know there are so many kids out there who have been abused or raped or abandoned or any other bad thing and they all have a reason to hate life. But I have absolutely no reason. All those kids probably wish they were me. But I want to be them so I have a reason to be sad and suicidal. And obviously I probably actually don't want to be like raped or something, but I want the attention and pity and care given when people have a reason to be acting out. If I isolate and don't talk or get angry or run away, people will just think I'm stupid. No one cares about the girl who just has a mental illness. People only care when you've been harmed or victimized. I just want a reason to be sad. Otherwise I'm the only cause of how crappy my life is. If I was abused, then people would be like "aw she was hurt and now she is cutting because that is her coping mechanism" or something, but for me I'm just depressed. I have no cause. It's all my fault. There is no external factor that caused me to feel this way. And I just wish there was because then I could put the blame on someone else and then hating my life wouldn't be my fault. I just want to be able to blame someone otherwise I can only blame myself which makes me just hate myself even more. If me being suicidal is just my fault, then I should be able to fix it. But I can't. So I want something bad to happen to me so I have an excuse to hate life. If I had been abused as a child or molested then every bad part of my life could be attributed to my sad childhood. But I had a happy childhood so I have no excuse for being depressed.

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