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I wish I was dead

I wish I was dead.

I wish I was never born. I’m too much of a coward to die. But I wish I was dead. I push people away cause I know they’d be better without me being a handicap and responsibility in their life. I love someone who loves me back but when I relapse and self harm I wish I wasn’t with him because I don’t want to keep causing someone I love any distress. I’ve gotten help and everything but I just don’t seem be getting better. I don’t think I ever will.

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Re: I wish I was dead

Me too. 60 yrs. I woke up crying. I gave them all I had. Yet my kids almost never want to talk to me. My ex & I are best friends but I can only drive down once every week or two. When I go there I fix stuff for them but no one ever has time to talk to me. I spend all my time in a tiny storage room alone eating crackers. I’m old & disabled so I can’t work or so much. I miss working; shopping; going places. I was depressed my whole life but I found ways to have fun.

Now all I can do is listen to music; watch movies, & play online games with a roommate. Sure; that’s fun. But I miss talking to my wife & kids. I miss having friends. I miss going to the park. I miss being able to walk without getting tired. Getting old & sick sucks. It’s like I’m just waiting to die.

But since I can’t sleep I’m fixing to watch a cartoon about gnomes. Your never too old to laugh. Don’t go breaking my heart. I used to roller skate to that. Elton John. He’s a knight. That’s funny. I’m told I’d be a knight in the old world in the past. Well I used to be a cowboy. Still got the hat; ain’t got a horse.

Wanna hear something funny. I used to know some people in the music industry. I’d chat with singers sometimes. Once some people thought me & this young country singer were a duet because of my cowboy clothes & us standing side by side chatting. So we posed for pics together. She’s famous now. Somewhere there are people saying that big cowboy looks a lot like Thor. What’s his name. I don’t know but I think he’s a singer. So funny. I sing like a dog in pain. Actually I’m pretty good but not good enough to be recorded.

I actually was accidentally recorded once. Female singers backup didn’t show. I ended up singing backup. Not for a song. Was just local thing advertising a show. Heard myself on the radio for a couple of weeks. That was hilarious.

Sorry. Forgot my point. I never got famous. Never got rich. But weird stuff happens. In my 50’s I suddenly found myself around singers. Most were young. I met & chatted with some who are now very famous. They wouldn’t remember me from Adam. Most never made it. I did get to meet some old ones I loved. I had a crush on one when I was a kid. She still looked good. I got to sing with a couple of them. Eat with them. I have pictures & autographs.

It was funny. I was at work. Some guy loved a singer. I asked if they’d like to meet them. They laughed & called me a liar. I’m a quiet Christian. So I let it go. But after work I went to a house where they were at. We ate; talked; sang together. They were old. Used to be semi famous. Only old people occasionally recognized them.

This is funny. I once stood in a mall chatting with an old movie star. They were a star back in the 60’s & 70’s. No one recognized them. We met thru our kids playing sports. I got along with these people because I treated them like people. I didn’t take advantage of them. I didn’t tell people they were in town. The only reason I told the one person is because that old singer was depressed he couldn’t get a gig & no one recognized him. I’d found his mega fan. Yet the fan didn’t believe I knew him.

Most of those people spend all their money working bad jobs trying to get famous. The few that make it blow their money. Then they are poor & trying to get recoded again. So I mainly met a bunch of never would be’s & Used to be’s. But I just treated everyone like a person.

I was at a big meet one time. Another parent saw pictures on my phone & couldn’t believe all the people I knew. Well I wasn’t there friends. I’d meet them because of someone I knew. I was like a friend of someone who knew semi famous people. Thus I was just some dude hanging out when they showed up. I wasn’t anybody.

My point is live your life. You never know what’s coming. I’ve met famous sports people because of my kids. Met famous singers because of a friend. I’ve visited cool places. Did cool things. Most of life sucks & is a grind. But your moments just show up. Don’t worry if you never meet famous people. Most of them are just recovering drunks & addicts. They look old up close without make up. They travel around living in hotels; visiting people like my friend & hanging out with goofs like me. Honestly most of them seem quiet sad. They felt that rush. Then it’s gone. They had those few brief moments.

It’s like when I played football I’d run down the field & score a touchdown. For a brief moment it was bliss. But all the work before. All the pain I felt after.

I remember one of my kids. Endless training. Driving state to state. One day he had a box of his medals & trophies. He had to decide. Keep endlessly training. So he could goto college & endlessly train. He was rehabbing an injury. He said dad why didn’t you play college football. I said my cousins. Their bodies were so destroyed. They lived in agony & struggles to keep a job. I decided I’d probably not get rich; so I concentrated on academics. Never got rich that way either. But my body held up better. He said yeah. He quit sports & now concentrates on his grades. He can now do stuff with friends.

If you haven’t caught on. I have met ex famous singers. An ex famous actor. A few former college coaches. I have a couple of ex pro athletes & a lot of ex college athletes in my family. They all seemed depressed.

Don’t fall for illusions. You think people you know & see in the world are happy. Most are really depressed. Even the ones you see on TV. Most of them are hooked on drugs; can’t keep a relationship, & won’t know how to act when their fame is over.

I have set & eaten snacks with people I used to watch sing on TV as a kid. I was doing better in life than them. I’d go home to my house & family. They’d go sleep in a hotel alone. We are all just surviving day to day. So just enjoy the ride. I’m fixing to watch some music videos as I exercise. A young female roommate gets tickled at me. I wear out quick but I’m quite a dancer. I can do this popular dance young people love. I’ll dance with her teen son. He loves that I can do all the hip hop dances. I’ll dance for a few minutes then lay in this bed. Getting old sucks. I play online games with them. I get cussed out by people online. You have to find joy however you can.

I find it a few minutes at a time. But I will spend 97% of every hour of the rest of my life in this room alone. But I enjoy those 3% when I’m talking to someone. I watch good TV & listen to good music in that 97%.

It’s funny. I loved watching this lady as a kid. She was so hot. I’d never met any one famous. Then in my 50’s for about 2-3 yrs I met a lot. I hung out with this woman. She was real old by then. I talked with her for hrs. Ate with her. Sang with her a little. I probably could have gotten lucky if I wasn’t an honorable man. She told me fun stuff from her life. I heard some funny stuff about pranks her & other famous rockers did. I also heard sadness. Her drug use. Friends drug woes. Her failed marriage. See she was sad & alone. Barely saw her kids. She loved chatting with me because I knew all her songs. Was a big fan. Was kind to her. But treated her like a person. Long ago she couldn’t walk outside. Now she could & no one recognized her.

It’s like that old movie star I met. No one else recognized him. He appreciated that I didn’t blow his cover. He looked like a bum. We chatted & laughed. Talked about our kids. I didn’t even get a picture or autograph. I know I lived it. To me it was cool that he got to hang out & just chat with someone who knew who he was but treated him like a normal guy. I saw him do a bit part in a movie. I told my son hey that’s the guy I talked to at your meet. My son did not care. Just some old guy.