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i wish i was deaf

Yea i know its awful of me to say this but i cant help it. I hate being able to hear. I have a trauma. Thunder makes me want to end it all sometimes. Loud thunders make me feel so small as if im falling into the deepest darkest hole that’s just never ending. Ill just keep falling into it. I cant take it anymore. Living in a country where thunder is common its hell for me. I can sometimes handle soft thunders but loud unexpected ones i full on panic. I cant breathe i cant think straight ill just feel like finding the easiest possible way of ending it all before hearing it again. No one around me knows this about me. It was hard at first but i dont want anyone to know. Ill just be a burden to them. Or they will just think im faking it. I wish i was. Ive managed to escape several situations of exposing myself infront of others. I managed to keep a poker face, i guess that what years of dealing with it gets you. But im so tired of it. I dont know how to make it stop. Its been getting worse . The last attack had me curled up making me lose consciousness. Im tired of being scared when i dont know why. I just want to be normal.