Hi to you reading... I... just need to get this off my chest. And if you read it, thank you for listening.My brother died by suicide when I was 13 in 2013. It was hard of course on me and my family but we got trough. When a family member dies, there is a hole that cannot be filled. You just learn to live with it. When I found out I started shouting for him and I was just so broken and couldn't believe it was true. First couple of days after, me and my family were numb. Then the phase with shouting and crying all days and nights came. Then months passed and we mourned, but started healing. We keep him in good memory and like to remember him.I'm 21 now, and since the past 3 years I feel like I'm slipping into depression more and more everyday. I know that the loss of family member and this is connected. But.. I don't think it was this bad even right after I lost my brother. It was, but for the past 3 years it has been crushing. Things that used to make me happy, like drawing and playing guitar don't interest me anymore. Nothing does. I have friends and family that are great, and I can be okay at times. But this choking feeling doesn't seem to let go of me. I also have a very caring boyfriend now, I have everything to be happy. But I can't.But this year even more, because covid I feel so numb, broken inside. I feel like a burden. I also get irritated easily. And because of that I hate myself even more. Past couple of months has been really scarry. It just hurts so much. It came to a point that I wish I would die instead.The only reason why I'm still here, is because of my parents and sister, who couldn't go trough that again. I feel unworthy. It doesn't seem to be getting better, just worse. I finished the hardest exam in college today, but I can't feel happiness even for that. I don't know what to do. I just know I can't feel like this for much longer because it is crushing me..... thank you for reading. I think that the fact that anyone would read some of my unworthy thoughts would put my mind to ease a bit. Just the fact that somebody knew. And since I'm already here I want to say one more thing - my big bro, I miss you so much and we love you!