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I wrote a suicide note today.

I wrote my suicide note today. It’s in my top drawer. I don’t have a plan just yet but I have many ideas. Idk when or if I will end it just yet. I’m stable at the moment but I don’t know how long that will last. I don’t have 300 characters to write.

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Re: I wrote a suicide note today.

Planning is the first step.

I tried in elementary school. So close to death. No parents. Abuse. Torture. I wanted out. I wanted the rape & torture to stop.

But as I faded to death I realized I didn’t want to die. We realize this life is a short miracle. Not sure how I’m alive.

But I was F’d up for a while. Think I have self some brain damage.

One of my sisters works with some failed suicides. It’s rough. Parts of heads blown off. Paralyzed from neck damage. Brain damage. Internal organ damaged.

She’s a saint. I helped raise her. Great kid. But these teens & college kids grow old in beds. She travels around.Good at her job. Trains people.

Works with other depressed people too. I don’t know all the details. But she tells me about the failed suicides. Promising kids. The ones who know they are still on earth cry. Say they’re sorry. Say as they were dying their last thought was they wanted to live. Also talk of the massive pain. Your body doesnt want to die. It fights with all its might.

I have docs; cops; firemen; EMT relatives. They see it too.

I only helped in wrecks. That’s bad enough.

So when you go no matter what you try it may fail. You will regret it. As you fade away you’ll realize you thru away the greatest gift ever. Your mind will scream out in despair. Your body will over rule you with all it has. So just be ready. It will be extremely unpleasant. The only people who fade away peacefully are old people who lived a full life. Even most of them go out fighting. When your shitting your pants & panicked that you made the ultimate screw up don’t say you weren’t warned. I’ve been there. Ultimate fear. If you live that sticks with you forever. If you die you’ll be screaming your way out internally.

Or you could grow a backbone. Get mad at the world. Fight. Live. Find some fun things to do. I’m watching old black & white scary movies I own. Vincent Price. Normally I watch comedies. Used to watch romances. I love life. It’s hard for me. Horrible disease. But I love it.

Watch Tyler Trent Purdue super fan on YouTube. He’s one of my hero’s.