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sadness
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i really hoped therapy was going to fix me.

i hate to journal and i can't say what's bothering me either because it's so rowdy in my head and never have the words. it feels like the depression is trapping me and i keep trying, i'm running from myself.

sometimes i want to have a chat with my old self or the me i was before i realized something was wrong with me, before i looked up the meaning of depression and watched that youtube video confirming that i was indeed depressed. i want to talk to her about how she felt and tell her al the things i know now so we don't have to battle with stuff this much at this point in my life.

sadness is as much of a normal emotion as sadness but with me idk how to distinguish sadness from the depression, so i hate being sad because my mind doesn't know how to be subtle. if i'm sad i'm extremely sad, if i'm happy i don't want it to end.

then don't get me started on past events because the most annoying thing about my depression is that nothing significant has happened in my life, i'm just falling waiting for impact. my brain decided from birth that this is how it's going to take things and interprete situations.

i probably shouldn't blame anybody but i wish all the time that my mum would've jus told me "you're special", "are you okay?", "why did you suddenly become a mellow person?", "why did you say you felt empty?". then don't get me started on my father. i don't want to say i hate him but i kinda do.

to think i've been plagued from birth lmao. the funniest thing has to be the way people act towards you. "i'm here for you", "it's not deep", then my personal favorite "be kind to people". yes being kind goes a long way but will you be able to handle my social anxiety? will you be able to understand me when i say i really can't get up, when i want to give up, when i can't talk to you or when i act selfishly because i'm used to being alone that even if i want to i can't be with anybody especially romantically. when i tell you to please not leave me because i can't handle it especially when i pushed you away before and you're confirming why i never want or should get close to people.

now i'm looking at your stories and you just living life thinking "why couldn't you just stick around?" always saying "please" in my head, begging you to please not leave or move on because you were my friend and we vibed and i loved you. please.

the need to feel okay all the time is exhausting but it's more exhausting to be numb because i can't even do school work, i try but it's so hard but ofc the world doesn't care. "we care about your mental health" is the same as "how are you?" used in emails and asked out of courtesy. they don't give a fuck, they can sympathize with you but it's not their problem.

and then the nightmares/dreams? like bro can i have some time off ffs?!!!! please i just want to sleep.

i just want to hug myself or a big bear hug from a big person rn. i want to hug God.