I wonder all the time, I let my mind wander into the abyss of my traumas. Yet I am so lost because I cannot name any of it. It's just so bewildering cuz I feel detached from everything, even my own self. I fear I am on my way to having a relapse which is terrifying me, it's the worst time to happen. I feel all this is crushing me, shrinking me, and devaluating me. My hope is drained and my worth abandoned me, like an orphan. I fear I am going way down the shithole I so much despise, it's just so fucking enticing in a horrifying kind of way. I don't know what to do, say, even think. See, it's so limiting. I feel like I am a prisoner of something obscure running on a loop. Endlessly and it's voiding me. I am slipping out of my hands and all I am doing is just calmly watching it while every inner inch of me is screaming, tearing themselves but the voice is trapped inside of me. It's heavy..