idk, but its painful

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hey , hope who read this will understand what i wanna tell.

i experienced bully from highschool like face and body shaming from the boys. and that make me think all the time that i am very very ugly . i cant even look at mirror that time because im scared. and even after moving to a new school , its still the same but lil bit better bcs i can look at the mirror . but i think that cause me trauma or something idk and now i think i have social anxiety and sometimes anxiety attack because i always scared of what others think about me . like i cant run away from overthinking. whenever i wanna start doing something like posting a picture , questions pop in my mind like what others will think about me? do i look good? omg i look terrible, this is embarassing , should i post it? and more . i have no self confident and im not good in anything. im soo weak. i hate myself. and now i feel like i dont wanna talk to anybody irl.

and now i kinda feel like i experience anxiety attack where i have all the symptoms and it started when mom ask me to join a gathering , when im in stress and when final exam is coming and more. i hope i could explain and tell more about what i feel and experience but i couldnt . bcs idk how to say it and its just painful.

plus yeah i really want to meet a psychiatrist but i couldnt affort any since im a broke student. plus i didnt tell my parent about this bcs they wouldnt trust me . they would say im just trying to get attention and a weak person. my parent never understand me . and i have no one to talk and rely to . what a sad life

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