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idk life maybe

I badly want to cut myself, and i want to hurt myself so badly that i die. But i think of what will my family will think of it and judge it then they would say that i do it for attention when i clearly don't. I just really think hurting myself calm me more than the other techniques that i've seen on articles, not that i think i deserve it, i just couldn't hurt others that makes me so angry. Well, i have a bad anger issues but i can handle it with flipping my middle finger and cursing.


I highkey want to punch that one person but i couldn't, it's because i know that once i landed my fist onto someone or start a fight i wouldn't control myself anymore. I even sometimes capture myself holding a knife then stabbing someone brutally but the thing is, i wouldn't feel guilty because all i think is that they really deserve it. If i ever do it then i know i'd feel guilty once i stepped into a psych ward or something idk.


Sometimes once someone angers me so much, my thoughts would say that let me just punch them in their liver or just in the face but my other thoughts say that why not just bring a ballpen then stab them with it. Yeah they're kinda evil. But really though, i really hate it when someone gets in my way and especially when i'm doing something important or i haven't even done a thing to them.


I'm really so self aware, and know the consequences. That's why everyone thinks that im too innocent and so pure to the fact that i don't fight back or do new things but the truth is i'm just holding back and also because it's actually kinda refreshing when you just burst out all of it


So that's why everyone thinks that im that quiet kid when literally i just want everyone to just ignore me and don't invite me to their little stupid dumbest shits when i can just lay on my bed and watch movies all day with my snacks until i pass out. I don't know why everyone would do such dumbest things.


I guess that's just what people do to make everyone like them while i just enjoy my gummy bears, oreos and coca cola then there's them standing with their peers even though they don't want to be there but they still needs to get that attention and likes from everybody lol.