Fuck, there's so much but so little. After reading what others here are going through I feel like I'm being stupid and selfish somehow, but I need to do this. I think at least typing it out will help.
1. I'm a lesbian.
2. My parents are religious.
3. I'm unstable.
I'm gay, which wouldn't be a big deal if my parents weren't religious.. well, not parents. Just mom. Dad's just a dick. My mom is very religious, and me being gay doesn't do anything good. She is unwilling to change her stand and has made it clear that she believes being lgbtq is a choice, it's something we can ignore. Something to he tossed aside so that God can love us. The worst part of all of this is that I think she knows I'm gay. I have a fucking pride flag, surely she knows. She can't be that stupid. What hurts most is she won't say anything when her friends start talking shit around me. Won't even change the subject, no, she continues on and even agrees when they say that people like me are "crazy and flamboyant." "Dirt and sick" "Ill" "a disgrace to God" and "product of a broken world."
I would never force her to change her views.. I understand how important God is to her, I just wish that we could be closer... Talk.. I wish I could talk to her and know that if I slipped up I would still have a place to live.
My dad's just.. frustrating. He used to be religious, but gave up, now he just makes comments, sexist, racist and homophobic ones. It's tiring to listen to.
I wish things were different.
My friends moved. One left a state over and we don't really talk, didn't even get invited to her wedding but I'm gonna pretend it doesn't hurt. That's a whole box of hurt I don't wanna face yet. One is across country, we don't talk anymore either, she got into different things, we grew apart. One the only friend Im still close with, lives in Canada. We call often but she can't really be here.
These are just some of the things that have lead me to being so unstable.
I have a history of self harm, sucidal tendencies and an eating disorder.
I was clean for 1 1/2 years, not a single cut or scratch or pin prick.
This month I've cut 3 times. Not much, but it definitely ruined my clean streak and the worst part is I want to now.
My suicidal thoughts came back, just the lack of care wether I live or die. Last Monday I was driving to bring home dinner for my siblings, just ran real quick to McDonald's. And on the way back I got the bright idea to see how long I could keep my eyes close while driving.
I live on a little street off a highway, the road home is long and straight, not a challenge to drive.
I think I only opened my eyes again because I knew my siblings were hungry and waiting on me. I'm not sure I would've bothered if I didn't have stupid fucking McDonald's to deliver.
I'm not sure why I'm suicidal, nothing really bad is happening in my life and I should be happy, I've got a house and a dog and a car and food on my plate. Others have it worse than I do but I still want to die?? It's pathetic of me.
I think Im just tired. Tired of fighting with my family, with myself, with all the things I want to say to them but for some reason hold in.
I'm so tired of it all and I don't know how to fix it. I wish I could move, nowhere is hiring though, at least not where I live and the few places that are, have made it clear they are not interested in me. So I'm stuck.
18, unemployed, and loving with my parents.
I guess I should try and sleep. It's 1:55 am and I've got shit to do tomorrow, not really looking forward to it but it's gotta be done.
This whole ramble is a fucking mess, I hate that too. I hate too many things.