Idk what to call it

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So I'll be frank here coz there is almost 0 % chance that we'll ever meet.

I am preparing for a national level exam which is supposed to define my life after it. Basically it can make or break my career. For this I go to a coaching institute everyday to study so that I cn clear it. These classes are very important and the teachers always tell us that leave all the celebrations/get togethers etc for after ur exam.

Thats what I did, I didn't visit my grandma for a year coz I didn't wanna miss my coaching. She passed away 7 months ago. U kn she ask3d ne to come visit her and I always told her ' just 2 years and then I'll come stay with u'. I didn't go to her when she called me ( We live in different states) and now I'll never meet her again.

I blamed studies fr this and gave up on them for 7 months. The guilt eats me up every single day coz I can never feel her again and neither did my studies prosper.

My exams are coming and I hate myself fr not studying. At that time I blamed studies fr taking my last moment with her away frm me, I blamed my teachers but mostly I blamed myself. I let her down...

I let everyone down.... I fooled others into thinking I hv been studying all along when I haven't. I wish I could turn back time and change my stream all over, coz this shit is horrible . I have to do self harm just to calm my anxiety.

It sucks.

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