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idk what to do

i have bad impulse control and the other day i saw my ativan pills that my mom hadn't gotten a chance to hide and i cant remember how many i took but i took more than i could handle n i think i od'd and i blacked out and ive always been obsessed with drugs n stuff but idk what to do and i kinda wanna off myself and i just wanna feel something else but i cant and im in quarantine and i think i have borderline personality disorder and ive tried to get help but im kinda hopeless and i moved across the world a few days ago and i feel so alone and idk whats wrong with me