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Idk what to do anymore

T/W: School Shootings/Murder/Suicide

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So, recently my head hasn't been in the right place. A lot of shit happened to me and I've been driven to the brink of sanity. I have major anger issues as well which doesn't help. I've started getting thoughts about doing horrible things like shooting my school up and killing my family..I've had plans for it too. I had a hit list and plan for where to go and when to go, how I'd bring a gun or two, how I'd off myself afterwards and all that..I also had plans for killing my family. Suffocating my brother, stabbing my dad, shooting my grandparents..then of course, offing myself. The thoughts keep coming back and I dont know what to do..I cant tell anyone because they'll probably think Im crazy and send me back to the hospital..Its really hard on me sense Im only 15 and this is happening..I dont know what to do anymore...



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Re: Idk what to do anymore

Hey bud. I love you. As a little boy I went thru a fucking horror show. Torture. Rape. I used to want to hurt some of them fuckers.

But you have to realize chemicals in your mind; DNA, & the environment mold you. But until you act it’s just thoughts.

As an autistic I was mocked a lot. Even by my own family. Makes you mad to be treated like that.

But let’s look at your plan. Let’s say you kill your brother. Now you’ve cheated him out of his one chance at life. Whether you like him or not that’s not fair. He may grow up to do something wonderful or important. Same for you. If you kill yourself you may not be there one day. I almost killed myself as a boy. On so close. As an adult I saved two children’s lives. Without me they’d be dead.

If you kill your parents it won’t change the world.

If you kill kids at your school you will destroy many families. You may kill a wonderful child by accident. One of the bullies you don’t like may grow up to be a kind sweet person. You shouldn’t decide when others die.

The fact that you are here shows you know these thoughts are wrong. Call a therapist. Ask them to call your parents. Maybe you don’t want to tell them you want to kill people. But do tell them you want to beat up your brother & parents. That you want to beat up kids at school. That you want to beat yourself up.

They can put you on meds. Be honest with them. Why don’t you like these kids at school. Be honest. Is it because they bully you. Are better at sports. Smarter. Whatever. Same for your family. Tell the therapist why you don’t like your family.

Leaving this world via suicide is a coward & quitters way out. Leaving this world killing others is much worse. That’s all the world will ever remember you for.

These kids that kill people in a school think they will change things. They don’t. In their mind they think I’ll show them. I’ll teach them. You don’t teach anyone anything. They just think you were a shit. Nothing else. By the next school year there will be other bullies in the school. Other kids to start in the football team. Another family will buy your house. Other kids will still play the video games your not their to play.

Someone else will grow up & take the job you would have took. Buy the car you would have bought. Mary the woman you would have married. She will have someone else’s kids. Your kids will never be born. They will never say I love you daddy & hold your hand. You’ll never see them walk & play sports. You’ll never read to them.

You won’t be here to watch the super bowl in ten years. Watch teams like the Yankees win another World Series.

You will not watch future Marvel & DC movies. Not make love to that sexy girlfriend in college. Not eat all those future pizzas.

Call a therapist. Beg them to call your mom. Look for a female therapist. They care more. Make therapists are often hard to deal with for boys & men. Take the meds. Be honest with them.

Ask your parents to sell the guns. Or get a very good safe.

This is your moment brother. God made all of us. So we are brothers. You must choose to be a good person. You can do it. I did.

Call that therapist. Use your phone or computer. Type in therapist; the name of your city; county; & state. Look for female therapists near you. Start calling them Monday. Right now it’s just bad thoughts. They don’t have to happen. I think most people have violent thoughts at times. Some have them often. I never had a desire to kill. But I did want to beat the shit out of the people who raped & tortured me. When I see someone hurt a child on TV I still get mad. But I never act on it. I’ve learned to replace those thoughts.

Let’s say I get mad at a bully. In my mind I see a kitten playing. Then a puppy chasing a stick. Then a butterfly. Then a sports team I like. Then a movie I like. Then a song I like. Then I listen or watch something. I don’t let bad thoughts control or own me.

Same for my risk taker gene. I’ve did some crazy stuff. Jumped dirt bikes over stuff. But I learned to do the same. I still get the urge to do dangerous stuff. But I force self to think of other stuff. Then I move on.