Its tough realizing that everything around you is not working out. Pretending to be something you’re not trying to hold it al together for people you love. Wanting to evaporate like water. I feel so numb to things and I try so hard to feel. I want to control how I feel about things, but I can’t I get moments of feeling things. I don’t really know what “happiness” feels like. I get moments of being okay and being content in a moment but I’m not sure what happy is suppose to feel like. I know sadness very well and numbness’, but not sure what happiness is really. I have done so much to try and change certain things I didn’t like about myself. Like the way I think about things. How I would overreact before getting all the answers. I tend to just know the answer with out finding out how we got the answer so I would blow up in anger. I don’t like to fight but I really don’t like being misunderstood. Arguing makes me uncomfortable but for some reason I expect the worse from everything around me. I try to be positive but it doesn’t last long and I don’t feel miserable just sad most of the time. I just have this deep feeling that I’m suppose to do something and I’m not sure what that is. I’m sure everyone feels like they are supposed to be doing something with their life. Its hard to stay focus with everything going though, and there have been times in my life where I don’t feel I’m actually in my own body. I feel like I have had a back seat to most of my life. As if my person has been put on auto drive. I’ll have moments though when I wake up and its as if I gained control again. I have to talk things out to try to figure out what I feel because im usually not sure what im feeling. Like yearn for a certain type of love that I have never really felt and I doubt I’ll ever get it. I give as much love as I can even if im not happy in this period of time. I just want a love that’s the same. I want his opinion I want him to stand up and shout I love this woman. I don’t want to have to fight for a love I feel I deserve to be heard .