Hi as you can tell I need helpim a pansexual 12 y/o girlso around august I developed depression. I got depression because of climate change, deforestation etc. then around late September/early october I developed suicidal ideation(my parents have no idea about this btw)and then in the last month I’ve realised that I’ve probably got OCD(again my parents are cluless) early on, I was telling myself that all I was doing was contributing to climate change that I would be better off dead then climate change would decrease by the fraction of a fraction. But that fraction of a fraction was a big amount to me. then I started saying that I was ugly and fat and so I started eating less and less. I lost 10lbs in 2 weeks just from not eating enough. then this is the confusing part. About 2 weeks ago, I told one of my close friends all this (I’ve already told my best friend) and it turns out she has depression, suicidal ideation and a lot of stress. Then recently (last week) I started hanging out with some other girls. My friend who I had just told my feelings to (I’ll call her A) is also in this sorta “group”. Thing is tho my best friend or not best friend idk which anymore (I’ll call her B) has BPD. I already know that she doesn’t consider me a best friend. She didn’t tell me directly. It was on one of those chain things on her status. It said: write all your best friends. I was not in the list. But I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who has been told that she has BPD. (Oh yeah she is also trans btw.) and I want to feel guilty that I sorta abondoned her (I do talk to her just not as much as before) but for some reason I don’t and I try so hard to feel guilty but I can’t even though I keep telling myself to be. so in this new “group” A has been very relaxed about eating her feelings. She says stuff like “next time that horrible teacher tells me off imma tell her that I think about killing myself every day” and stuff like that in front of everyone. I don’t want to but I sorta copy her because I’m sure that’s what she wants me to do. I don’t want to but I have to. And I know some people see me as attention-seeking and I feel like an attention-seeker but I don’t want to be. (Btw just more than half of the negative thoughts have gone. My mental health is still pretty shit but not how it was.) I’d much rather have all those suicidal thoughts back and stop feeling like an attention-seeker.another dilemma is me having OCD. I’m 99.9% sure that I have it but with quite mild symptoms atm. The problem is tho, my cousin who is 14 has severe OCD and anxiety. And I’m very conscious that if I say I have OCD then I’ll seem like an attention seeker just using something I know about because of my cousin. The other thing is that recently my cousin came over to stay. Her parents didn’t come, just her and her sister. Just for 2 days that stressed my parents out loads even with her hardly doing anything. I don’t wanna go that to them.I’m not sure now if it’s OCD causing the negative thoughts I still have. It may be that my depression comes in waves and this is between one of those waves. I’m 80% sure that I don’t have bipolar or major depressive disorder. I also have this sorta anxiety. It’s not really anxiety tho it’s more like extreme conciousness or cautiousness. For example, when I walk to catch the taxi to school, I always make sure that it’s the right taxi. I have even memorised the number plate. And I think of ways that people may try to capture me so that I have a way to escape. But it’s also much more than it sounds just writing it like that. I’m also extremely conscious of other people. Like if there is someone near me, even close friends and family, even my parents, I always make sure that they are never in a position in which they can over power me. Like if I’m sitting on the sofa and then person sitting next to me sits forward, I move forward as well so they are never in power. Also just strangers, I’m super cautious about. Like I always stay as far away from them as possible and always check the places I can run to if someone tries to capture me. it’s like that but more extreme than it sounds written down. i also have a weird connection with my mask. Not any particular mask. Like, even when I’m at home, I feel like I need to be wearing it when I have no reason to. I wear it all the time at school except for when I eat. I like it because then people can’t see me properly. I can sorta hide. my hair is 90cm long. Very long. I like it like that because I can use it as a sorta curtain on the world. Like when I’m feeling like I need to hide, I just position my head so it falls over my face so no one can see me.I also draw horror art. I’m shit at it but I do it. It doesn’t make me feel better. It’s sorta stimulates the negative feelings in a good way. I can’t really explain it.i also have tiny tiny tiny mental breakdowns which last about 5-10mins. For the most stupid and obscure reasons. But the bad bit is that I usually message my friends saying I’m sorry (basically got existing) and then they get completely confused then I recover and I’m then in a difficult situation. I say sorry A LOT.The negative feeling I feel now are that I’m 100% sure I’m fat and I ugly. (Btw I’m 7 stone 4lbs) I medium hate myself. Hardly any suicidal thoughts except when something bad happens. Hardly think about the climate when I feel down and I know u should feel guilty and I wasn’t to feel guilty but I can’t. basically I need to know wtf is going on with me. Any advice or anything?