I have both anxiety and also being an introvert, I also have mood disorder, ADHD, ODD, and sooooooooo much more that I cannot pronounce or even remember. But my mood disorder played a big role in my introverted ways. I was an extrovert in my younger years until elementary school years. That was when I knew that from this time forward I was in for a helluva ride. I struggled with making friends because I had recently moved to a new house. The kids at that school were very immature and fucking hypocrites, and to say that I would be insulting myself too, and I fully admit I was those things as well. I never fit into there “social hierarchy”. The first time I got bullied at that school was the moment I raged. From then the kids saw me as an easy target to play with and constantly push my buttons when they could find something to accuse me of, or just seeing me in a bad mood gave them an advantage to pick at my emotions and it made them feel better about themselves. So it was then I made myself what they wanted and thought of me to be. A monster. An “over reactive” girl who had the shortest fuse ever. But I excepted it because it was as close as I would ever get to getting positive attention from any of the kids at my school, it was the only thing that I could get close enough to even remotely having someone to talk to, even if that meant me embarrassing myself in front of my crush, or my whole class. I just wanted to be noticed and it made me suffer. The worst thing was I was always the one to get blamed for everything. I made very few friends and the few friends I did make moved not long after I met them. So then in 4th grade I was all alone again, and this time no one even payed a glance in my direction. I had made a reputation for myself. As the mean kid. I was now the “bully” in there eyes. They had no clue what was wrong with me and just thought I was “not normal” And trust me there were no other kids in that school that acted like me. So when I realized I was no longer wanted. I completely shut myself out from everyone, including my family. My family never saw threw me, they never saw what I was going through because I was so good at hiding it, it didn’t even cross my mind to tell them, so I never told them. I acted the same way I did at school towards my family and that was what they thought was normal for me since they knew I had tons of emotional disorders and behavioral disorders, and mental illnesses that made me act like that and on top of that I was an emotionally unstable 8 year old, so I didn’t know any better. They were very caring and always tried to find the help I needed so I could feel better from what they thought I was dealing with and going threw, they were so caring and loved me with all there being. But I took it for granted and never let any of that love in. But they helped finally found me the help I had been looking for in the end and I love them for that. One day an angel from heaven blessed me with the most kindest most beautiful, courageous, helpful, independent and most loving best friend I could ever have. And what’s more, is she gave me a chance. She told me that the day that she met me, one of her friends said that she shouldn’t be friends with me and my best friend looked her in the eyes and said “watch me” when she told me about that I laughed, and cried at the same time so hard. The fact that she didn’t care about what the other kids said about me was the biggest blessing I could have asked for. I had never met her at that school before even though she was there the whole time. She is now my closest friend and even though she hasn’t gone through what I have, she understands me, she lets me vent my frustrations and talks about it with me she lets me tell the whole story and not once does she ever interrupt me until I let it all out, she hugs me and tells me that she understands and always finds a way to help out in any situation she can and when someone comes after me she was always there to defend me and heal my hurt. But even with her there I couldn’t let go of the hate and anger and frustration and the anxiety that had festered inside of me for years...I was still the same old girl. And one day someone had the audacity to tell me TO MY FACE, that I had anger issues. Yup I said it here folks, they said it straight to my face, and laughed about it. THEY LAUGHED, LIKE IT WAS A FUCKING JOKE TO THEM THAT I WOULD GET MAD OVER THE “TINIEST” LITTLE THINGS, WELL I ACTUALLY HAD A TERRIBLE CHILDHOOD THAT FUCKING RUINED MY SANITY, LIKE BITCH WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO COME TO ME AND GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO MAKE ME FUCKING CRY, I KNOW I HAVE ANGER PROBLEMS, YOU DONT NEED TO TELL ME, IM NOT A DUMB ASS LITTLE GIRL, LIKE NO SHIT SHERLOCK OF COURSE THAT IS WHAT YOU WOULD THINK BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE DOES TOO, BUT THEY DONT HAVE THE AUDACITY TO ACTUALLY SAY IT TO MY FACE AT LEAST THEY HAVE MORE DECENT MANNERS THAN YOU DO............they weren’t joking, they were literally trying to push my buttons and get a reaction out of me, and it worked as always. That was when I had had enough. I was sick of it. And I grew very mentally and physically sick. I vented so hard at everything, from the tiniest little look someone would give me I would fly off the handle because I took it so personally, it was just-.......I just couldn’t function the way I wanted to, the way I wished to. I had gone threw so much social neglect, and trauma at school, I was so nit picky about what I said, how I dress, how I looked, how I ran, how I walked, how my hair looked, how I sat, what my body looked like, what my face looked like, how my voice sounded like, my interests, my talents, my grades....I just felt like I would never be excepted and that was when I finally told my parents. It took a VERY long time to heal my heart. But now that I am 15 I have mentally matured so much. I forgot about everything. The time in quarantine gave me a lot of time to reflect. And threw that, my family problems also came and went. And now I take it upon myself to be more responsible, and no longer be the greedy and selfish child I used to be. And I am proud that I had my family and My Best’ friend in the whole universe to guide me to the path I am on now, And I have completely forgotten about my past in the way that I used to think about it. And now I feel happy. It was a rough journey. And you know the saying it will get better? I know it will. My life has had SO MANY ups and downs it is amazing how I even survived physically, mentally, socially, and emotionally. But threw all that I can tell you it was worth it. When they say it will get better, they don’t mean it will get better in 3 months, or a year or even 2 years. It will take time and I mean ALOT of time. But for those of you who care about your well-being choose who you want to choose, choose yourself or you can choose what others want to perceive you as, when I was younger I chose what others perceived me as and got into the habit of becoming what they wanted me to be, and it is and was very mentally unhealthy, so please choose yourself. Don’t over exaggerate this positive advice, I still suffer from social anxiety, and anxiety overall, and the society norms, and how people perceive me, but my depression is long gone, and when you come out of your shell for just a peak I can assure you if you find the right help and your preferred way of helping yourself, don’t just rely on what a professional says, find ways that you can help yourself that are positive and can’t hurt you or anyone else in any any way and you commit to it, you will eventually get better. Take this from me, I am feeling so much better after all these years and it is unlike anything you could imagine. I feel like myself, but I have never known what myself was or even what myself felt like because I had already shaped myself into another person that was not me, but now I can finally where my own style of clothes, I can show off my artistic talents, my likes and dislikes, I am delighted and happy to show off my quirky nature, and it makes me so happy, because once I did that people started recognizing me for who I was and what I liked and it a gave me a great boost in confidence. I can tell you no one is judging you for little things like how you sit, or what shoes you wear, or what makeup you are using, or little non controversial things you say in a conversation. But there are people that will follow the crowd and bully you, they will follow what the social norms of society are, like, what weight/size you are, or beautiful you are perceived to be, what styles of clothes you wear, your likes and dislikes, your political views, and so much more. But don’t just take it like it is, they may be struggling with the same things as you but they struggle with it in a different way, it will be hurtful to others, but it hurts them too. I believe in you, I am not just saying this because I am, I am saying this from the bottom of my heart from one who has experienced pain that some of you may have experienced too, I am not saying I have experienced everyone’s pain, because everyone has there own pain, I have friends that have gone threw or go threw domestic abuse, and family abuse, that have had traumatic childhoods, that have been assaulted, sexually assaulted, raped, beaten and so much more and I can say I do not understand or can even imagine what they have gone threw, some of them have thought about committing suicide, but they have tried to get better and I can tell you some of them have gotten much better, I just want to say I don’t want you to give up. Not yet. This comes from a fellow human being, and you are also a human being, just like everybody else. You have feelings and emotions and most people will think that is a toy. I just want you to be prepared, because I do not know what’s ahead of me, or whats ahead of you but I just want to spread some positivity to people who are hurting or might be hurting, and I want you to heal, and I pray, I hope, I wish for ALL of you to get better, and that you will live happy lives. I love you all, no matter who you are, what color your skin are, what your heritage is, who your ancestors are, what country you are from etc; I don’t care about any of that, we are all human, and we ALL deserved to be loved.Ok, if you stuck around and actually read my five paragraph essay, thanks. I was just so into it I kinda just went along and it turned into this. But I mean if you came this far you are just- WOW. I- I’m impressed seriously, you have some commitment, if I was a person and read this I would find myself annoying. Anyways if you finished reading my life story (lol) good job and I hope you could relate. And also that best friend I talked about earlier, ya, we are still best friends to this day. Again LOVE YOU ALL ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️ And I hope this helped you just a little bit or even a lot, I just hope I could make your day and hopefully you found someone to relate to.