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Im a burden.

Im glad in this generation teens can "express" or have these feelings early without being judge. But not all of us though

I suffer with depression ever since my dad passed away i was only 12 im now 15. Ive always been pressured to do good in my exams and honestly i dont do the best. I instead try to ignore the real world with music and anime and etc. But it doesnt work that way unfortunately. Last year i finally stopped fully of self harming. why? It wasnt for myself it was for the people around me. I felt guilty which takes me down even more. I stopped 2 half years of self harm because i see my mother crying yet in my eyes i just felt this was worse then the blood dripping of my hands and my thighs. I hated myself, seeing hoe much i cause to others. I feel like a burden.

Back then i lived in a different country so it was just my mom, brother and i. But noe im back home i feel like an outcast yet i feel like i want to perish. I made new friends whom were way above better then the friends i had in the past who were toxic. I come from a wealthy family you could say. I go to a private school my best friend's dad is the 2nd rank as a boss for a bank and so on. Basically my life sounds fine if my family wasnt oh so much abt reputation.

Ive done so many careless mistakes or i get people angry or sad without trying. Because i feel guilty of others around me i tend to keep things to myself and cowardly walk away trying my best not to cry in front of others. My own mothrr says i need to friendlier and open up yet when i do typical mothers have to lecture us afterwards or say its just our thoughts and bla bla. So, im known to be friendly and loud at school just to show my mother yet on the way i met amazing friends and they found out my true colours yet still stayed and i havent felt so, important or hapoy in a while but its like i have bad luck around me. I feel like i stick with thr same people a lot and they might feel annoyed. Heres me again feeling like a burden. It hurts. I always feel like im a waste. Am i the only who truly feels like this everyday? Im a burden.

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Re: Im a burden.

At two my dad kick me out for having blond hair & blue eyes like my moms dad. My dad look Spanish. My mom hated me. When young she drove to another state & down dirt road into woods & left me. She liked drinking in clubs. I was a burden.

So I always felt like you. But let me tell you a story. I had an older cousin. I’m from military family. Descended from a bunch of knights. Bunch of college athletes. Very manly. I was a nerd. I was elite at sports but hated them. Coaches yell at me endlessly. I was like man I score touchdowns. I hit home runs. No matter what I did they wanted more. They didn’t want to win. They wanted to win big. I’d quit whenever possible.

I nearly hung self as kid. I learned you don’t really want to die. It’s not as bad as brain tells you it is.

One of my older cousins was pressured into a lot of tours in Nam. We would talk. He’d say we’re not like them. We’re kind. He had to kill a lot of people to live in war. He didn’t like that. Our family would brag. But he hated it.

We would go stand by a stream & watch nature. Talk. One day he thanked me. I was the only person who ever listened or cared about me. He said he wished I’d been older so he could have known me before he went to war.

He told me he was going to kill him self. I tried to beg him. I went to our family. They did not believe it. He smiled all the time. He was a war hero. After 4 wks of telling me & only me talking to him he killed him self. They never tried. One of his older brothers felt so guilty that he later killed himself. That weighed on the dad. He died in an accident. No. He killed self & they lied to get insurance.

I have carried him in my heart every day since elementary school. It saddens me. One of main reasons I was overwhelmed & almost died that way myself. I still feel so guilty. I should have found a way to help him. Called the cops. Called a hospital. Something.

His killing himself left me with a heavy painful load to carry till I die. It still breaks my heart.

i'm so sorry about your dad... i have a friend facing the same occurrence and i always try to console them whenever they feel depressed or suicidal or even just feel the need to cry. but sadly, i cannot always be there with them so i remind them, they have themselves and they have other friends! btw i have the same problem. i always remind myself to try to open up to people about my problems and all the things that bother me but i always find it hard to do so because i always think it'll burden them. i still bottle up my feelings but i am a few months clean and i am proud of that. i am proud of u too! for mustering up all the courage to confess here! i promise you, you don't need to find other people just for the sake of finding one. god if you feel close to just one group, stick with them! it's your life. YOUR life. easier said than done but please take small steps. just breathe and accept yourself the way you want to be accepted! people love you!