Ever since I was little, I have lied. It’s like I impulsively do it, not just that but I know I’m manipulative as well. I lie to get what I want. I lie to get out of trouble. I lie so much. But I also lie to make things better for everyone else. I lie about my happiness, about how I feel to fit into society, to make myself normal and my family content with me. My mama asked one time, “Are you happy with life?” I just looked at her and said “yes” because it’s easier than explaining to her that I am numb and don’t feel much of anything besides random bursts of overwhelming anger or sadness. My dad always asks for my honesty, but I never give it. I tell him what he wants to hear. When I was young, I’d never hug people and shied away from touch. I was never excited to see my dad when he came back from trips. At 5 years old and I didn’t care and still don’t. My dad would yell at me often and make me hug him and smile and be happy I guess? Nonetheless, as I got older, I started to understand that I needed to act to fit in. I’ll never forget what my dad told me when I was 12 and that is “fake it until you make it” he told me what when I didn’t hug him after he came back from work. Now, I hug him every time I see him, every time he comes back from work. I smile when I don’t mean it. I hug him when I don’t care but it makes him happy, it makes my family happy. Recently, there has been a fall out with my family, (my parents are divorced and have been for years). My dad was angry with my 15 year old brother and demanded if he “wanted to even be here” my brother didn’t answer, but why would he? That’s not something you ask a child when they’re in trouble. He was kicked out of the house and has been with my mama for weeks. Now my dad is furious because he doesn’t understand why he won’t come back. A few years back, something like that happened between my dad and I. He asked me the same thing. You know what I did? I lied. I said I loved him, that I did want to stay despite the things he was saying to me. my stepmom accused me of something I didn’t do which was email my brother’s teachers, (why a 19 year old would do that I don’t know) but I know I didn’t do it and my stepmom said “I know you’re lying, you’re looking at me with those dead eyes,” that’s when I realized my mask had cracked, that what I wanted to show was showing. So, I started to fake cry, I had to do something to show I felt something. It worked. I sacrifice everything for my family because that is what I’ve been taught. I have no opinion, or voice, or feelings. I’m just a shell of a person, molded into something my family wanted. I struggle with understanding other people, like my brother, he was honest and refuses to go back to my dad. I don’t get it. Why doesn’t he swallow his pride and talk to him? Why doesn’t he lie to make things better? Why doesn't he fit into what he’s suppose to be? I really don’t understand. Nonetheless, I’m a liar and I just wanted to get all of it off my chest.