I grew up in a very unstable setting. With an unstable mentally ill single mother. She moved when she wanted to. Disregarding employment, my education, or her reputation. We'd jump from borough to borough then state to state during summer vacation. I didn't have friends. I still don't think the people I know will always be there. The only constant has been her. And it feels like it's by design. I'm to support her. Emotionally and otherwise. It's what I was born for. It's why I was kept. I can't hate her because it's been engineered that way. I've always seen love as something you hand over. She can't see what she does. You can shove it in front of her. Her own words. And it will be disregarded. She 'wouldn't do that'. She's 'not like that'. The disconnect is disturbing. She had offers. From multiple families willing to take me in. I thought this was normal. She acted like she was fighting for me. These families owned homes. Had a stability I never imagined possible. And instead of putting her child's needs ahead of her own. She let me and my future down. Again. My future never mattered. And it never will. It's hers that does. She lived in a crack house with me. She sent me off to live with her abusive mother for six months. I have no idea what she did during the time. She would drop me off at a family friends with no explanation. For days. They'd have to buy me clothes. She abandoned me over and over and then came back running. I'm never going to escape. I'm never going to be free. I don't know how to help myself. I'm trapped. I can't disappoint her. I can't leave her with no way to pay her bills. And she knows it. If I even mention a life where I'm not living with her she shuts it down. I'm never going to be free from her. I want to die.