mean thing

I’m a total bitch

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I feel like a total bitch.

I’ve broken the heart of the sweetest person I’ve ever met.

he thought the world of me and in my heart I was falling for him but something didn’t sit right me in me and I have no idea why and I’m extremely frustrated at myself for letting him go and not understanding what’s happening in my own head.

i wish I could unbreak his heart

i wish I could feel the heartbreak so he didn’t have to because he is the sweetest most adorable person I’ll probably ever meet but something inside me was just like “no”

I feel guilty mostly. Knowing I have caused his hurt.

I don’t usually “feel” emotions in situations, I just deal with the situation without the emotion. That sounds crazy.

It makes life quite simple but occasionally a situation will happen where the emotions just flood me and I’m not good at understanding or “feeling” them feelings. Which is why I’m struggling with the guilt.

How do you stop it? Lessen it?

he isn’t angry at me and wishes me well. Does that make me feel even more guilty? Probably; it shows how beautifully kind he is and how I’m a total bitch for not accepting the kindness.

he struggles with his self esteem and he shouldn’t. He’s beautiful. He is everything I have wanted. But I just didn’t feel the overwhelming love that he was feeling.

maybe the ex before really did a number on my brain. Maybe I’m in my 30’s and I don’t want to settle for anything less than “all my boxes ticked”.

which is pathetic.

but my point is i feel like a total complete bitch. And I don’t want him to be sad about me. I’m not worth it.

I want to send him a letter, well a note, just to say sorry and to reassure him that he is just wonderful and to not change, not one bit. I know part of him would like the communication from me but again is that a mean thing to do.

should I leave him alone. He doesn’t want me to, I don’t think he does anyway, but it feels like rubbing salt in the wound. But I want him to know it was my issue with my emotions and nothing he did wrong or anything.

this is why it’s easier to not feel your feelings all the time.

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