i broke up with my boyfriend of 1.5 years a few weeks ago, and every single day i'm missing him because he was always there for me. it's driving me crazy, he's constantly on my mind and i can't get him out. even the sight of him upsets me. i'm sick of him, and i'm sick of being upset. i just want him to leave.
we broke up because he grew bitter and upset and jealous, and i became meek and upset and afraid of confrontation. it felt like i was walking on eggshells around him constantly, as if i had to bend to his every whim. he got upset at me for not liking the things he does. he got angry at me for leaving to do something else other than talk to him. he hated his parents for not loving him, and hated mine for loving me. he got jealous of my friends and got bitter because i got therapy and support. for once in my life, i was getting better, and he was stuck in the same piece of shit place he's always been. and whether he realized it or not, he was trying desperately to keep me there. the longer i stayed with him, the more bitter and upset and angry i got at the world. after he realized he couldn't get me to like the things he did, he decided we would hate things together instead. i can't remember a single conversation we had in our last few months that was about something other than us shitting on somebody else. he made me turn sour with him. i hated the way he made me feel, it was the complete opposite of our first months together.
and yet i still miss him. like i said, he was my safety net. he was always, always online to talk to me. he would always listen to me. and still, i don't even miss him as a person, i miss what he would do for me. i don't want him back, and i don't regret breaking up with him, but i miss having somebody there. i miss having somebody there who understood me no matter what, backed me up no matter what, loved me no matter what. now i hate being all alone. i used to joke that i wasn't built to be by myself, but i'm starting to actually believe it now. this loneliness is killing me. i just need somebody, anybody. i miss being wanted.
but i couldn't spend another minute with that fucking idiot.