Okay, dont get me wrong, I have loads of people who love me. I have good friends and a healthy family. I have everything I need to live a happy life. Yet, I am alone.
I have been feeling suicidal for quite some time now. It's not on my mind 24/7 but everytime I feel low, my mind goes straight to killing myself and ending it all. I am afraid to die. I am afraid to imagine what will happen to the people that actually care about me. I am fucking terrified of the impact it will have on my sister. Around, my friends, I am genuinely happy (or so I think), they bring out the 'best' in me. Still, I can never bring myself to vent to them, I feel like I would be burdening them with my 'troubles'. None of my friends are close enough for me to be myself.
My mom and dad fucking hate me. They are constantly telling me how I'm not enough, how I should do better even when I doing the best of my capacity. They are always telling me what a disgrace of a child I am. Growing up, I was an A grade student. This has raised their expectations so freaking much, I cant even watch 1 episode of a series without them walking into my room with a disappointed look on their face.
I am fat and tall. Not immensely fat, just fat enough that I'm not considered pretty. I grown and learned to not let others comment affect me to much but I see beautiful women on Instagram and feel guilty. I have been made fun of for it my entire life. I have never been asked out not been called pretty by anyone. Now, I have learnt how to mask my physical appearance with a personality. It is one of my greater talents really, lying. Lying about my feelings, lying about me being okay, lying about my insecurities.
Oh, I forgot to mention, I am a woman and a questioning bisexual in a judgemental, developing, third world country where mental health is considered a scam. You know what, I will find hundreds of excuses why I am not in a good mood but the essential part is I am neither happy nor proud of who I am. I want to end my life but I dont have the facilties or the courage to do it. Help.