I’m done kissing ass

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I was molested by my older brother from 5-14, he even tried to do it to my cousin but she said no. I talked to him about it and he said I didn’t say no like she did, but he’s sorry. I’m a idiot so I didn’t say what I was think to his face ...I rarely stand up for my self at all, but this made me upset. like all this shit and all you can say is sorry and you didn’t stop me. It sounded so fake and half-assed. Telling me he tried to kill himself and that he was angry that our mom had a new boyfriend who treated us different and our dad was locked up like the same shit ain’t happening to me, but I was also playing mom to our younger siblings.idk maybe I’m reading into too much. I’ve tried to kill self too, trying to overdose on melatonin and Paxil. I still think about killing myself. Me and my cousin told all the women in our family and they were understanding. They told that his actions were wrong and some other shit, but that’s it. I don’t know what I was hoping for but having him pop up at our house randomly or our younger siblings know I was molested but don’t know it’s was by our brother is just baffling to me. Why are we protecting him? Hell he’s getting married. And here I am 20 years old, not in school, not working, anger issues, and doing drugs to keeps me happy. I recently went to the doctor and she showed me that my weight increased when I moved back in with my from my aunts... those 2 years were probably the happiest I’ve ever been. Now everyone’s hopes in me are non existent. I’m not doing anything with my life and it sucks. Now that I’m at this point I’ve realized I’ve spent my whole life trying to please these people and be a good kid only to be so unhappy. I’m trying to stay a live until I can move out or till both my sibling graduate high school but it’s so hard. To top it off my older brother teases me about it..about how I’m 20 and still living with our mom. I’m at a lost at this point if I was to be killing tomorrow or in my sleep I’d be happy.

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