I live in a society and family where mental well-being is greatly tied in to someone's faith. If someone is sad, confused or scared, people will be quick to judge the status of that person's faith.
I know in myself that my faith remains strong. I am not losing it, nor doubting it. But the past months had tested my confidence and peace. I can't really discern now how okay I am, mostly because I am ashamed to accept that I am not okay. I am anxious and broken, but I don't want people to think that my faith is deteriorating, because it isn't.
Now, everytime that I become lonely, afraid or desparate, I am choosing to shut these feelings down in order to deny that my faith is weak. Doing so disables me to process these complex feelings, and with more and more repressed emotions every day, I fear that this will all break loose and destroy everything.