I always feel like I'm doing something wrong, or that I'm not good enough. I feel like i have no one to talk to anymore, and I find it hard to cry without forcing it. so alot of the time i just sit there and let the pain just loom over me.I used to have two specific people i would talk about my problems to, but i was a complete weirdo and asshole to one of them and they want nothing to do with me anymore, and the other is dating my best friend so it just feels odd to talk to them privately.I lived with my grandmother, grandfather, and father most of my life. my grandfather was always a very calm and kind person and he would always be my go-to person to go and do stuff with in my family. but he died in march of last year, and my grandmother and father dont know how to handle the loss and they are very loud and angry people. so its a pretty normal thing for them to just be yelling at eachother, and they never really take into consideration how it effects me. so I just have to sit in my room and let it happen. there are lots of great things in my life, my family is somewhat wealthy, so I get alot of nice things, i have amazing friends, and lots of other amazing things but in reality when im having a good time its just a high that will soon die out and ill soon return to the looming pain.Whats even worse is that what I'm going through isn't even special. what I’m going through has probably happened to thousands maybe millions of people. I want something in my life that makes me feel different than everyone, or important, or something that makes me feel fulfilled. but i don't have any of that.i wish i had a special one to just hold me and tell me I'm alright and talk to me, or i wish that i had a skill in something interesting to feel accomplished, but i don't have any of those things either.my grandfather told me to never spend a second in my life wishing that i were farther in life. but god do i just want to be put of this hole.if you’re still reading this, i’ll never know, and i’ll never know who you are, but I'm so grateful for you for reading the very thing I’m too scared to tell to anyone.