So as I imagine you’ve gathered from the title, I’m in love with my best friend. So imma tell you a bit more so that you understand more. So my best friend (let’s call her “A” for her privacy) is transgender (male to female) and has bpd. I’m a girl with depression and sorta suicidal who is pansexual.
Our relationship I’d say is close. We don’t hug though or anything like that. She’s told me a few of her secrets that I’m pretty sure not many people know and I’ve told her about my depression. She’s quite anxious about covid and a few weeks ago she’d sit 2m away from me at lunch because she obviously doesn’t have her mask on when eating. She doesn’t anymore though.
Onto A’s feelings (or what I suspect). There has been just one hint that she might possibly like me as more than a friend. She told me that she is lesbian. When she was a boy, she was gay but only for the time when she had a crush on this boy. So I think that now she likes a girl but I have no idea if it’s me or not. One tiny hint though I’m not even sure if it’s a hint is that the last few times we WhatsApped (her phone got broken a couple of weeks ago) she sent hearts with goodnights. She never did this before.
Now my feelings. It’s nothing sexual at all. 1: because of her being trans, I know sexual activity would be a complete no with her and 2: I just don’t feel that way. Like on Friday she was sad and I wanted to give her a big hug but I knew that it would be completely awkward. And I have had dreams. This has happened before when I had a crush on this boy. It’s not like fantasies. It’s real, like when you’re asleep dreams. Just like holding her hand and stroking her hair and stuff (I’ve gone all red now ugh). And I do love her. Not attracted; I love her for her personality and the way she is so funny and can make me laugh so easily. (Idk if this helps with anything but I’m in England.)
I have no idea what to do or much idea of how she feels so please, if you can spare the time, reply with your opinion. I need an answer fast.