For reference i have several mental illnesses, intrusive thoughts, and childhood trauma. Lets get straight to the point. Im still a teenager and figuring myself out. But i think im into some weird shit. Whether because of trauma, intrusive thoughts, or no reason. For example, when i think of (guy who im into we will call T) choking me. Choking. not too bad. But it gets worse. A friend i use to have used to wrestle me. And would also bite me sometimes. Enough that it would bruise for a week. I quickly found out i was into that. But i wont accept it. Or when i think of someone kicking me or whatnot, and im hurting on the floor, and i look up and there they are, looking at me smiling. Like, i just-Or even threatening with a knife. To feel it pressed up against my skin. But i know they wont kill me. Just the fact that i might be into pain / biting / choking. It makes me feel nasty. Like a dirty person. Especially not being an adult yet. But i cant help myself. It just sounds so good. I just dont know mates.