I’m just broken at this point

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I can’t get out of my head. I’m broken. Simply broken and there is nothing else to it. I come off as emotionless because I don’t want to be hurt and it’s easier to pretend like things don’t phase me then to face the pain that I’m going through and because of everything people around me I’ve gone through I make myself feel as though my issues are insignificant and that I would be bothering somebody by telling them. I can’t confront the fact that so many people have died in my life and I’m only 15. It’s to the point where if someone persistently asked me to talk about death I snap and shut down and can’t stop crying and I can only tell them to leave me alone. I rehearse everything I say before I say it in my head because I don’t want to say something wrong and I feel like everybody is being polite and I’m annoying and that someday they’re going to snap and say all the things they’ve hated about me all along. Constantly feel like I’m doing something wrong and like I messed everything up when I didn’t do anything. And I would rather not talk to somebody and be sad that I don’t talk to people so that I don’t get judge or say the wrong thing then to talk to someone. I ruined every one of my relationships with my trust issues and the walls I have built to keep people from hurting me so bad. And I don’t want to do about any of it because I bottle it all up because I won’t talk to somebody about it because it feels pointless and silly. I have ADD and if you know or have ADD you would know that my mind is constantly thinking 15 things at once and I can’t stop thinking. Sometimes someone will say something and I start to overthink about it and it will repeat in my head, sometimes for hours, sometimes for months and sometimes for years and I can’t take medication because the medication makes me not want to eat causes me to be unhealthily skinny (I look like a living corpse when on meds) I don’t know what to do about any of it. It just feels like a mess.

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