I'm tired of being here. I'm tired of never feeling like things might get easier. I'm tired of being the one who "nags". I'm tired of no one actually listening. I work really hard at what I do. I try to be a stupid stay at home mom even though I fucking hate being in the house, especially all the time. I get cabin fever easy because of my background and I get so frustrated. I love my kids to death but it's really fucking hard for me. And I feel like just because I don't have a job no one thinks I must do much. The house is often messy because my kids are 2y and 8mo. They're always needing something or getting into something, and I try to make time to clean but it really just never makes a difference. You can never tell no matter if I spend a couple hours or all day it's all just in vain. And I'm trying not to be a bitch to them so they can grow up with better mental health than my fucked up parents gave me. But sometimes all I want to do it just give up. I give my husband breaks. He gets to stay in his room and have breaks from them, and that's fine. I don't get any breaks. I don't go outside. I don't have people to talk to in real life, on xbox, what the fuck ever. I can't even get out to a fucking store. I'm just home. Surrounded by my thoughts and rarely able to do anything I want to. My life is kids, cleaning, and trying not to be pissed off at my husband when he plays around to much. Yes. I get it. "We used to play around sooooo much." But we also didn't have kids. I wasn't waking up at the slightest sound, or putting people to bed three times a night, or dealing you complaining I nah, our son screaming at me because he's in terrible twos, a daughter who needs me to work with her or she'll fall developmentally behind. And if I'm not in the mood or I'm stressed and I don't feel like playing, and I tell you stop and you keep going until I snap then demonize me by complaining I'm this terrible person for not wanting to be poked and prodded AFTER KIDS HAVE DONE THAT ALL FUCKING DAY. I'm done! What I'm saying is. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I'm not cut out for this. Any of it. I hate the sound of my own voice. I hate having to ask for help or "nag" by reminding people things that need to get done. But if I don't say anything then it's my fault for not saying anything. I'm tired of the stress. I'm tired of this situation. He works a really hard job. It's tough. But he also gets months off. He only works parts of the year and my "job" I'm lucky if I get a full night off. And I'm just tired. Sometimes I think of leaving. I love them to death but sometimes I would just rather slit my throat so I can have a mental breakdown in peace without it being "someone's problem". I'm tired of feeling like a shitty mom or being called the "nagging" wife. I don't know why I thought having kids was a good idea. Or hell, I don't even know why I married him. And his stupid horrible family that's just always harassing people and being unhelpful or obnoxious. Sometimes I want to leave and start over and just not deal with any of them. I'm tired of never being good enough or not doing enough or being stretched thin The stupid fucking anxiety and depression. And everything is always *my* fault and everyone else is a victim. I'm starting to build up a thick resentment alongside all the love I have for this family. I thought things would be different. If I just shut up and pretend like I don't want to kill myself, only then is everyone happy.