I really hate ranting and venting, so that's why I'm doing it anonymously. (Just a warning, this probably won't make sense. I jump between stuff a lot when I'm frustrated.) Sometimes I really just feel like giving up. I've tried to reason with myself, time and time again. It's just so tiring. I've tried self harming to stop being sad, and I almost got addicted. I almost tried alcohol out of pure rage. I almost took my own life just because "Hey, what's the point in living anyways?" I've just grown so tired. I can only associate my own home with memories of my siblings and parents fighting, and memories of me getting hurt, or just my own bad thoughts. I can't even stay in my own room anymore because I go into a depressive state where I sleep a ton, refuse to eat, and only get out of bed if I plan on doing something bad to myself. I would go to someone else's house, but I always end up annoying whoever I go to see. I just stayed in my sisters room for over a week straight, but I made one little comment and she got so mad that she kicked me out. Now I'm just back in my depressive box. I've thought about coming out as trans to get attention just to annoy her, but realized the chances of me getting kicked out are a 50/50. I've thought about running away and never coming back so I could finally do what I want without rules. At this point I've decided on waiting for my packages to arrive and then coming out, so if I get kicked out I can have everything I love with me when I pack. I don't even know if it'd be a good time to come out. My dad has been in and out of the hospital, and my mother may have c0vid. My mom could easily die, and that would lead to my father refusing to go to the hospital and also passing. Nobody would take me in if that happened. I'd probably be blamed. I can't help but think death is the best choice. I just have no idea of what to do. Everything was fine yesterday. I got new plants, I could sit around and watch youtube all day or go on twitter, I could just lay around and not worry about life. I could think about my future and be sure I'd make it. How does life go from so peaceful to so frustrating and sad so quickly? I'm just so confused and I want to cut ties with all of my friends and ignore my family, but then again if I have nobody, there's no point in continuing. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm probably gonna get the fuckin' virus and die anyways. Just my luck. I'm just going to die a nobody and never live out my dream of making hundreds have a smile on their face. I hate everything.