I've been married to my wife for 8 years. We've had our fair share of ups and downs but always resolved them. Now my wife doesn't want to be with me. She's been having an online affair for at least 2 months from what I can tell. I've seen the messages, her sending nudes of herself to him. The lies she's been telling him about me to make it look like she's being victimized. I'll admit that I have my fair share of flaws but when I'm made aware of them I do try to fix them. I've spent the last month trying to repair our broken relationship but when I heard her say "love you" to the guy on discord I knew something was up. So i looked at her phone and found out about the affair. I confronted her, I didn't yell or rage. I kept myself calm as I could as i asked her why she lied to me, why she's cheating, why she's slandering me. We both cried in each others arms that morning. I didn't want to be controlling because most of her friends are based online so I told her that if she can remain as just friends to the guy i wont say anything but the affair and lies need to stop. She agreed. The next few days after that were fine. We hadn't fully reconciled but i thought we were getting closer again until she gave herself away again. So I got back on her phone and found that she never broke off the affair. She never stopped with the slander. That actually got worse. I had bought beer that weekend. At her suggestion since I've been under a lot of stress. Now when I do decide to drink i never drink much. Just enough for a light buzz to unwind quietly. When i saw her phone she told the guy i got piss drunk and raped her. Mind you we havent even shared a bed for a month at that point. Last time we had sex was over 2 months. And yet I raped her? To add to this she's even told her mother how she's leaving me for this guy. That was when i reached a breaking point. I tossed her phone at her while she was sleeping and asked her why she would even lead me about fixing our relationship when she still cheating and lying to me and about me. She never gave a decent reply. So i grabbed some of my clothes and both cards tied to my bank account and slept in the car that night. I couldnt stand being there then. I had to come back after work to take my daughter and son to their appointments. That was when she asked me if i wanted her to come with us. Bordering in tears i said even after all this i still love you and want us to stay together. She had scheduled an appointment to see a therapist even. So i held hope. Hope that lasted for 5 hours. When she realized i took the bank card from her she flipped. Listed a ton of "reasons" why SHE'S right. Like how what if something came up and she needed that little extra bit of cash. Or if my daughter needed more pullups. Or how the rent would be paid. I told her all those were still taken care of. I tried adding that the biggest reason is because i know how terrible she is with impulse buying, but at that point she stopped listening while using the kids she spends more time yelling at or ignoring as a shield. She said she wants me gone that day. Its been 3 days since then. We're still in the same house and she acts like nothing is wrong. Shes completely destroyed our relationship as it stands, and i know i should leave her. That i would have every right to call her a cheating whore, lying bitch, unfaithful slut and so on. But i cant, i still love her. I still remember the vows we took. Im by no means a great man. The spark for my grief was me being buying something on a game when we were tight on money and i was without a job because i was reluctant to star work again with the covid outbreak going on. So yea i fucked up. I'm back working now. I come home and take care of the kids while she ignores them saying how they havent listened to her all day, which is natural since i always take care of the kids whenever im home. She claims to love her kids but acts like a part time nanny. No worse. Ive heard her yelling at my 4 year old daughter to shut up, sit the fuck down and my personal favorite "get the fuck away from me, I'm not dealing with your bullshit". Ive yelled at my kids when they dont listen and swatted them when the need arises but i have never. EVER. said that to either of my kids. She feels no guilt for her actions. For the cheating. The lying. The slander. Her version of "parenting". And despite all this i still cant help but love her. I'm constantly changing from anger, anxiety and depression. Ive wondered if she would even shed a tear if i died. I know i should take the kids and leave the monster my wife has become but i cant. I love her too much. And so I'm lost. I dont know what to do anymore. I dont know what to say anymore. I can barely keep a smile on my face in front of my kids. My son knows some of whats going on. Not all but smart for a 9 year old. When he asked if i was leaving one night because momma doesnt want to be with me he had tears running down his face. Ill do anything to keep this family together, to avoid putting my kids through what i had to go through. But i dont know what to do anymore. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Thank you for allowing me to voice what ive been suffering.