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i'm lying to everybody in my life and to myself.

tw// food, eating disorder

ever since quarantine started, i have been struggling with an eating disorder.

i haven never told anybody but i have found comfort in it, it has made me feel like this is something i have to do, like i don't have a choice. the truth is, i don't know if i even want to get better. i have never looked in the mirror and have been happy with what i have seen and the feeling of finally having control of that makes me feel justified that i will finally be happy. but i'm not. i feel like the way that nobody knows is a complete lie in my life - "a lie by omission is still a lie". but i can't stop myself. i starve and starve myself and if i eat more than a piece of fruit i simply stick my fingers down my throat and make sure every thing i have eaten goes down the toilet. i am sick. i am so sick in the head and i can't do anything about it. i am carrying this burden of a disorder and i don't know what to do other than to think that i did this to myself.