Feeling like a shity mother makes me not want to have anymore children. I used to want at least two, maybe three. Ever since I had had my first child, I don't think I can handle anymore. This is NOT just because parenting is difficult and stressful. I was abused throughout my pregnancy. It was difficult to cope, and I'm riddled with anxiety PTSD and depression. I feel an overwhelming amount of failure and worry. It gets too much to handle sometimes. It's very difficult to keep that from my child, until they're old enough to understand and handle that kind of information. I certainly don't want them thinking it's their fault. It would be more difficult with two children, let alone more.
I try to be responsible, even if I'm not responsible in other ways. I'm not a good person and I'm not a good mother. Sometimes I wish I'd know what kind of mother I would have been if I never had been abused. Better? Worse? Same? Oh well, "what would have been"s.