I have disassociative identity disorder and I'd like to share a revalation with you. The memories came back.I was born in a broken family. My father was in the military. He was stationed overseas when I was an infant. I came to know my mother as mommy and the man she was having an affair with as daddy. I was about to turn 6 when I was on the patio playing with Legos. I heard fighting and I saw mommy flying through the air and hit the fridge. I never saw daddy. I ran into my room and cried.A short time later there was a strange man in a uniform and large bag. He slept for a couple days. Then he and mommy asked how I felt about going to Florida. I was exited. I thought mommy and daddy were coming with me.We stopped by Arkansas to visit family and I learned that this man was my father and mommy was not coming. My father and mommy were getting a divorce.I held onto the memory of mommy for many years. At 8 years old, my father told me a couple things. He told me that mommy was on tge run from the FBI, that she conned many people out of a lot of money. He told me that she knew where we were and how to contact us. But she never did. To a child that means monmy doesn't love you. That you were bad.He also told me that they had a daughter, dezarea, before they had me, but that she died of brain damage before I was conceived. He told me that I was an accident.Ive always been an extremely intelligent person with a very high IQ and an obsession with learning. Father told me I got that from mommy. So if he didnt love her, it meant he couldn't love me.When I was 9,I had my first sexual experience. A trans girl who lived down the street. I never saw her after that day. I also had experiences with my babysitters daughter's. I wasnt allowed there anymore.I remember being in the boy Scouts. But the troop kicked me out after a month. So did the next troop. For my 9th birthday my dad bought me a BB gun. I shot my best friend in the mouth and punished myself for 3 years. I wouldnt even touch a plastic butter knife. At 10 years old, I ran away from home for an hour and he never came looking for me. Turns out he didnt even know I was gone. It was only an hour.Also at 8 I asked father for grandpa's number because I missed him. I was told he died 2 years prior. The only person I enjoyed talking to was gone. And the only person I trusted kept it from me.I remember throwing away a baseball trophy I felt I didnt deserve. I remember tearing up my birth certificate and anything else that proved I exist. I remember swearing to become invisible.Around 9 I developed a permanent adverse reaction to my meds and grew breast tissue. As I got into puberty I developed bad acne and got made fun of. Horrible names.I first heard about war when I was 7 and it broke my heart. How could a specie hate itself so much? How could we kill so many of our brothers and sisters? I cried for humanity. I sobbed. I go into high school and get bullied. I decide that if humanity wants to define itself through war, I'll give them a real war. I started studying terrorism, weapons, martial Arts, chemistry, warfare etc. A teacher found a bomb blueprint and I almost got arrested.I always acted out in school, trying hard to get attention. Which caused me to get suspended. Father grew very tired of my behaviour and started beating me. He had a buddy custom build a paddle out of a 2x4. And if I moved during the beating and got hit on the back, ribs or legs, it was my fault. He would always say "I'm going to continue hitting you until you stop crying". He usually stopped when his arm got tired. Mind you, hes in the military. So hes not weak.My enter life ive had a complete blank between 8 and 13. And ive recently become obsessed with disassociative identity disorder. Like I can remember being 3. I remember mommy and daddy had a parrot named captain who hated me. I remember their piano. I remember being 13. But 8 to 13 where completely blank. Like I didnt exist. I go to bed on my 8th birthday and wake up 13.After some subliminal messages to my alter, and much introspection and actively looking for triggers, I got some clues. I'm watching mr robot and Eliot is talking about a baseball bat in a forced therapy session in the final season. It all came back to meThank you for reading this. I just wanted to share it with someone.