i truly am stupid. i have forgotten how to study, ive forgotten how to do basic math. my self worth is based on my grades and yet i cannot even bring myself to do my work. i wake up at five in the morning only to stay in bed until 7:59. i have nothing to offer. i used to be a good student. a focused one, one that asked questions and participated and got straight A’s. except math. my gpa was well above 3.85 and now its at a 2 point something. what the hell happened. how is it possible that ive gotten worse in every possible way? ive disappointed myself. something i swore wouldnt happen. everything is crashing down. no friends. no one to talk to. horrible grades. no motivation. zero will to live. ive thought of poisoning myself. to burn oleander the next time i am alone and inhale the fumes. to cut off my face so i can do people the favor of not seeing my disgusting features. make a poison made of nightshade. drown myself, but i am too scared of doing that. going on a walk and letting myself get run over. but i am scared. i dont want it to hurt. what if it doesnt kill me? how am i supposed to live after that? cut a knife through the skin of my stomach and pull out an organ so i can die in the next few minutes. take as many sleeping pills as possible and see if i never wake up. ive thought of everything but if i do die they will see my naked, disgusting, pale rectangular body. and my deformed face with my boring brown eyes closed. i dont care if i dont become secretary general of the united nations. i dont care if i dont drive a 1961 pink chevrolet impala. i dont care if i dont get my luxurious penthouse, and i dont care if i am rich. no, i only care if im alive or not. and i still am. you have no idea how many nights ive stayed up praying for death to take me in my sleep. i am too stupid to be admired, too disgusting to be loved. i wouldnt mind if i didnt have to live. but i do, and god it feels like a chore. ill be happier. ive prayed for my world to end, for everything to catch up to me so that i can finally die. but no. a higher power, if it exists, has not granted me good things and they do not want to grant me death. the one time i ask for something horrible, something absolutely devastating i dont get it. i hope i wont wake up tomorrow. lets see if ill be disappointed for the 10000 time. we will see. hopefully i wake up in darkness and without a body.