i'm not sure where to begin really. i guess i googled "vent to people anonymously" because who else do i have?
i'm sitting in my bed every night doing nothing but listening to sad music which makes myself feel worse. i try not to listen to sad music but i always feel to need to cry and the music helps with that usually. i'm just so lonely. yes, i have friends. but i'm not super close to them, at least enough for them to know how i really feel. how i'm so unhappy. but even if they ever offered for me to talk to them, i'm so emotionally unavailable. i'm to the point where i don't even know how to voice out my feelings. i want to be happy but where do i even begin? i have family, and i feel okay with them. but maybe it's that i crave attention from someone special? yet i don't want a relationship because i'm so unavailable and have my walls and guard all the way up. though, i have an ungodly fear of rejection. the feeling of being unworthy for anyone to be romantically involved with me. i feel like i don't deserve love. no matter who offers it to me. i don't feel like myself and haven't been feeling that for months now. but i cant get professional help because COVID, and my parents honestly. they're Christians, which i respect. but the way they talk about mental health, i feel as they would judge me harshly. and just say, "well you should talk to God and have a better relationship with him." like, what if that's not what i want? i mean, sure. mental health can come off of spirituality, or lack of. not having a personal relationship with God and whatnot. but what if that's not what i believe in? what if i want some kind of medication to change the chemicals in my brain? am i so screwed up in the head for that? is that too selfish?
is it even too selfish to have a friend that i can talk to anytime when i actually need them there for me? like obviously, i would be there for them too. but is it too much to ask??
this was a long one and jumped from one topic to another. so anyone who reads this and/or replies as well, thank you for taking your time. it means a lot. <3 lots of love, and stay safe. 💕