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im not sure but i feel better writing this lol

i'm not sure where to begin really. i guess i googled "vent to people anonymously" because who else do i have?

i'm sitting in my bed every night doing nothing but listening to sad music which makes myself feel worse. i try not to listen to sad music but i always feel to need to cry and the music helps with that usually. i'm just so lonely. yes, i have friends. but i'm not super close to them, at least enough for them to know how i really feel. how i'm so unhappy. but even if they ever offered for me to talk to them, i'm so emotionally unavailable. i'm to the point where i don't even know how to voice out my feelings. i want to be happy but where do i even begin? i have family, and i feel okay with them. but maybe it's that i crave attention from someone special? yet i don't want a relationship because i'm so unavailable and have my walls and guard all the way up. though, i have an ungodly fear of rejection. the feeling of being unworthy for anyone to be romantically involved with me. i feel like i don't deserve love. no matter who offers it to me. i don't feel like myself and haven't been feeling that for months now. but i cant get professional help because COVID, and my parents honestly. they're Christians, which i respect. but the way they talk about mental health, i feel as they would judge me harshly. and just say, "well you should talk to God and have a better relationship with him." like, what if that's not what i want? i mean, sure. mental health can come off of spirituality, or lack of. not having a personal relationship with God and whatnot. but what if that's not what i believe in? what if i want some kind of medication to change the chemicals in my brain? am i so screwed up in the head for that? is that too selfish?

is it even too selfish to have a friend that i can talk to anytime when i actually need them there for me? like obviously, i would be there for them too. but is it too much to ask??

this was a long one and jumped from one topic to another. so anyone who reads this and/or replies as well, thank you for taking your time. it means a lot. <3 lots of love, and stay safe. 💕

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Re: im not sure but i feel better writing this lol

I feel alone a lot of the time too. I have family and friends who I know love and care about me but sometimes I still don't feel understood. Last year I lost my dad and he was the person who I always went to with my problems and he just listened. It's hard to find that one person who makes you feel truly loved and understood. I look for what I had with my dad in all of my relationships but can't seem to find it anywhere. Even with my boyfriend, I don't feel completely comfortable opening up and I still haven't told him about my dad. I also always want more attention and affection but I don't want to seem "clingy" or "needy". I'm also afraid of loving someone more than they love me. There's not too many people I feel comfortable talking to about my problems but I try to open up as much as I can with a few close friends. Even though your family is religious and they may not entirely understand, if therapy and possibly medication is what you think you need, then I would try talking to them. I'm also here if you need someone to talk to :)

ahh yeah! i always just feel alone but thank you for understanding :)

thank you for replying too :) it means a lot. i do hope you find the like- courage to tell your boyfriend! i understand not coming off too clingy/needy and such. i’m sorry to hear about your dad, i sure hope you’re okay.

if you need anyone, i’m here for you :) even if this is an anonymous site.

and yes, thank you! i’m just trying to work up on talking to my family about it. i’ve come close but always backed out because i was scared.