I’m not the same anymore

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I’m currently 15 rn and 4 years ago I lost my aunt from cancer and she was my everything she was like a second mom when my parents were currently going thru a divorce she was the reason why I was happy every day but when she passed away I went into depression I didn’t feel the same i wasn’t happy like I always use to be I didn’t want to do anything and I’ve Always been like this to this day. In 8th grade I’ve gotten arrested for drinking and got on probation and sent to an alternative school and everyone was talking about me which I rlly didn’t care but when I got sent over there I’ve made mistakes by following ppl and making friends which lead me to stay for the whole year which ur only supposed to stay for 9 weeks and two months after being there I’ve started doing drugs like Xanax and sleeping pills just to feel something. I knew that if my aunt was here I wouldn’t even be here at the school so I tried to stop doing drugs but I couldn’t because I’m addicted and it’s still hard to not do them. I fell in “love” with an 16 year old boy while I was 13 believing all these lies and other things he was telling me but there was no sexual tension between us but he was a great listener which was the one thing I liked him and he was always there for me. But he cheated on me with another girl and we’ve became best friends ever since that day happened. I’m currently 15 and I’ve grown up a lot and I fell in love with this one amazing boy who is currently 3 years older than me and I know he actually loves me and he’s been going thru some stuff which I understand and completely okay when he needs space because I need some too but we broke up again for the second time and said “your the right person but at the wrong time” which I understood about it and this happened two days ago and I’ve been real sad because he’s always been here for me thru everything that’s happen the past months and I truly do love him but I’m afraid that once that time it’s right to be together again that he’s going to be with another girl and I don’t want that happen cause I really want to spend the rest of my life with him. But srry if it’s long and it’s everywhere :(

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