i thought it was gone. i thought i made it passed all of this. why is it back again? i don’t understand and i don’t know what to do at this point...i feel like i can’t do it anymore from the bottom of my heart and it breaks my heart to say that because i know i can’t be done not yet..i’m only 15 man..i haven’t watched my mom be at her happiest and get the best she deserves. i haven’t seen my sisters be happy with no worry in the world. i haven’t seen my best friend truly happy. and so much more. i can’t let go now but dawg it hurts. it was just in my head before but now it’s hit the really bad part again. it’s starting to physically, mentally, and emotionally fuck me up bro and i have no idea how to fix it. i’ve tried to ignore it but i’ve cried to the point i feel like i can’t anymore. my room is a mess and i have 0 motivation to clean it. my missing assignments are starting to add up and my motivation for school and to not let my grades slip is completely gone. wanting to be around people seems impossible because i have everyone in my life convinced i am 100% okay right now. losing him hurt more than ever. he made me feel like the only girl in the world and he fell out of love and i am left with no explanation. i don’t blame him. never have and never will because if he’s happy everything is okay. but bro he was a main part holding me together and he made me forget this feeling. but now due to losing him and already being down i’ve lost myself completely. i don’t wanna eat. i can’t sleep. i don’t wanna talk. i don’t want to be here. because right now it doesn’t even feel like i am. sure i am physically here but mentally bro i am so far away. i wanna go back to when i was little man..i was so effortlessly happy even regarding the fact that my dad hurt me before any guy could. one of the main lessons he taught me is everyone else will move on when you haven’t and then you have no choice but to forgive. even if you don’t forget you have to forgive. and if i’m being honest that kills me bro because i live with the constant pain because i forgive but i never forget. it’s like i’m so stuck in my own world and in my head i’m not even here. i help everyone else and i am there to the best of my ability because i would hate to see someone’s world crumble and i wish for just one second someone could think the same about me and my world. it has been falling about since i was little but i’m still that happy thug it out make everyone feel better kind of girl. i know it’s getting bad though because it is beginning to be hard to be that girl. i’m tired bro. on a level i wish i didn’t have to reach because before i could tell myself everything’s gonna be alright god wouldn’t put me through it unless he knew i could get through it but this time bro i don’t know if i can. i am drained. every part of it has become so draining now and it is leaving me stuck. because the temptation of the blades and pill bottles have never been so strong. the urge of wanting to say i tried but i’m done is out of this world. the ache in my chest it’s out of my control. i feel alone. more than ever but i’m willing to go through it alone even if i let it beat me because i would rather take the pain of wanting to be gone then sitting there and handing it out to everyone who feels bad. my family is way to busy to see anything. even if nobody else understands i just want my mom to listen because a simple hug or talk from her can make the urge a little bit smaller. but even though i have screamed and cried in front of everyone about wanting to die it seems the least of my family’s worries so i guess i will just leave them alone. then my best friend man i love her but i know it hurts her the most seeing me hurt but i just need her to understand if i get distant or push her away it’s because i can’t put that girl through that pain. what i feel like people fail to understand though is that sometimes you can fix so much in a person by giving them a simple hug and telling them it’s gonna be okay or that’s it’s okay not to be okay. that’s what i need and it’s more than ever right now. even the slightest could fix the temptation of being gone. knowing that i matter at all could fix that bro...i’m just i’ve tried so hard for so long and i’m tired at this point. i don’t know how much longer i can do this...but as long as everyone else is okay i’m gonna be okay because their happiness is all that matters to me. in the end of it all i’m okay lol. even with the pain from what i couldn’t stop and even with the pain from things i could’ve. i’m hurt to myself but to everyone else i’m a okay:) anywaysss, i’m happy lol...always.