im just so done with everything in life right now, what with covid and school and being stuck with family. i fucking hate the pressure im feeling from taking my alevel exams next year, missing months of school school due to covid is stressing me out because im not getting the help im supposed to be having and with nothing changed to the exam formats next year im really doubting if i can get good results. my parents are also hounding me on applying to good and reputable unis and choosing a good course. i study almost everyday for more than 4 hours and my anxiety is just eating me from the inside. i can't sleep well at night and im constantly plagued with self doubt. im staying with my 2 siblings in a small flat until i can go back to my boarding school so we have to help each other out with chores. you would think living with them would be fine since we're family but it just feels like im a nuisance. i like to think i tend to help with what i can, i can't cook so instead i do the dishes and laundry. but whenever i do something slightly wrong or not to their liking i get yelled at and im constantly called useless. it really hurts that i think im helping them but instead to them im just a waste of space that can't do anything right. my family is asian so age hierarchy is really important and since im the youngest i can never say what i really feel or else im just being disrespectful. with the pressure from exams, uni applications and school while the pandemic is going on, my family is just amplifying my anxiety.
my family isnt very open and we never talk about my problems to each other, like when i was sexually assaulted by my teacher a few years ago my own sister didnt believe me and thought i was just being dramatic. so that is why i can't ever talk about my current situation or how im feeling with them because i definitely know they would just brush it off as me exaggerating or being a drama queen. theyre just that unreasonable. it feels like im a bottle on the verge of exploding but the cap is screwed on so tight that everything inside is pressurised.