i'm scared but i wanna disappear

Time Spent- 1h 7m
23 Visitors

i was left by my friend i remember crying my whole life out i begged her to not leave me i tried everything i could but she just called me selfish now i don't know if i have the will to get close to others. i bury my feelings ever since that day i am scared that all of my friends will leave me. i think they all hate me they hate the way i am they don't want to be friends with me. i know i am too much, you hate me, a nuisance, annoying, you want to leave me, and want me to stop. i wish i can disappear it hurts so much i want to open up but i know they will just judge me instead and tell me to get over it. that day when i was crying over my friend breaking off ou friendship i just wanted to kill myself. the rest of my friends saw me crying so much but they didn't do that much they just told me "it is okay" "calm down" and "you are going to be fine" then left me alone what if i harmed myself that day and they didn't even ask me any time of that day if i was fine so i isolated myself for a few days crying over everything that was happening to me they didn't even check if i was still okay. they hate me i want to leave i want to forget everything. i still pretend to be fine in front of them when i am just drowning in pain. i want to get some help but i couldn't bring myself to open up to someone knowing i'm the person who is feeling this way. maybe i wouldn't last long enough until i turn 20