Warning: This post contains Adult content. Reader discretion is advised.

im scared of what im turning into

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warning in general for themes of sexual assault

so i was assaulted when i was around 14 or 15 and im almost 18 now. in therapy we talked about it and i was told the best way to heal was to avoid anything to do with sexual assault or dark themes. but now dark themes are the only thing i enjoy. i can only get off when thinking about being raped, or raping someone, or killing somebody. feeling someone fight back against me, crying and begging about how much they dont want it. i feel like i can never get into a real relationship because the urges to hurt my prospective partners always come up. i can be normally talking to someone who im interested in or who is interested in me and i feel the urge to tell them to hurt themselves for me, or i imagine a scenario where we meet up and i rape them and they never tell anyone. due to these thoughts ive started pushing away people every time i start to develop a crush or they have a crush on me. i dont want to hurt anyone. but i dont think i can ever have vanilla sex again. vanilla sexual thoughts do nothing for me, normal porn is boring, and the only thing i have an interest in is hurting people but of course thats illegal and i think deep down i really dont want that. so ive stuck to fiction and reading about fictional characters getting assaulted. i dont really know what to do as ive tried multiple times through the years to rid myself of these thoughts and it always ended in me being plagued by intrusive thoughts. so it never really goes away. in the end its easier to just give into them and accept them as a part of me. but at the same time i dont want to hurt anyone and i feel like a monster. not wanting sympathy or anyone telling me how horrible i am, just wanting to vent.