Self esteem is none existant. Self hatred is rampant. This is my reality daily, whenever I try to add something ( if I dare ) to a conversation, I either mumble and no one hears me or If I do get a response my input is viewed as worthless if anything and shrugged of as annoying and the conversation resumes without me injecting anymore. All through out my school years I generally had 1 friend, then we moved again and the process started allover, we mostly lived in rural areas with no kids my age around, I usually lost that one friend as I let them go through no contact as I believed they would soon realise I was a boring shit and leave me first. That's pretty much how it's been since as well. Now I'm nearly 60 and I don't have a single friend apart from the people I work with, I don't have anyone to converse with outside my wife and kids it's always the same I will stand or sit and listen to others talk and rave on as I think of something to say, no one knows I'm a compulsive liar, something I was taught to do, as a kid, I had to lie to the landlord i had to cover for my dad, I say stuff stuff to make myself sound cool, like I had a great weekend, when in actual fact I spent another weekend boring my wife senseless, why the hell she has stayed with me I don't know, she is so funny and everyone loves her witty sense of humour, while I barely utter a word, while she brags what a great husband I am, I never remember her birthday or surprise her with wonderful things like she does for me. My best friend always becomes my ex friend. I've tried really hard, but now I have accepted that I'm a boring person and am unable to change. I'm over disappointment in myself. The last 10 years I've struggled to find any value in my life contributions, unable to get myself out of bed sometimes or get motivated to do anything, totally consumed by self hatred. I suffer from anxiety and am so depressed. I just want to die.. Q. Has anyone gone through the same ? How do I change? How do I become happy ? How much longer can I put off killing myself. I don't know if I can put up with myself any longer. I should just off myself so my wife and kids can get on with life instead of me boring them.