Dear my best friend,
I love you so much. As more than a friend. And I know you will never feel the same way. I know you aren’t very happy and I want to help so much. Your happiness is more important to me than my life. Fuck, I spend most of the night planning my death. I wish I knew what to do. You said you want to go back to where you lived a few years ago abc you said you hate school and it breaks me to a thousand pieces to think of you not in my life but I want you to be happy but I have no idea how to help. I wish I could make you happy just as easily as you can make me laugh. Even though I’m in the thick of severe depression and suicidal thoughts you can still make me smile. I wish I could do the same for you. Oh fuck im literally crying now. If you go I won’t have anything to live for. I will kill myself. Please don’t think I’m making you stay by saying that. Im lonely then I would never blame you. You are the best person I’ve ever met. I’ll watch you go happily knowing that your life will be better then I can end mine. Fuck I wish the tears would stop. I know you don’t know I’m suicidal or that I cut and I know you’ll probably never read this and if you do then you’ll never imagine that this is to you. I love you so much and to see you upset today made me want to double my cuts. I wish I could hug you and comfort you but I also know that I’d never do that because you aren’t like that. Every day I promise myself that I’m gonna kill myself but I haven’t yet and that’s because you are in my life. Right now I feel like screaming at the top of my voice and stabbing myself over and over and I have no idea why. I wish I could just be normal and not overreact internally at every little thing. I just wanna die and be with you at the same time. Idk what to do. I want to help you but I don’t know how and now I can’t talk to you at all until Monday because your phone is broken and now I just wanna go and get a knife. Why do I even feel like this? I’m overreacting and being dramatic ugh I hate it. I hate myself. You deserve way better friends than me. Now imma go listen to billie eilish singing I wanna end me over and over. I suppose you never thought why i listen to that song. Well you’ll never know. I’m so sorry I’m who I am. You have every right to abandon me and go off and find new friends. I’m so tired I just wanna go. I’m sorry.