this is my innermost Shame. The thing I can’t deal with. I was an orphan. I never wanted a wife or kids because I felt I’d be a terrible dad & husband. I’d never been shown the slightest kindness as a child. I’m beautiful. Women want sex with me. I’m autistic so most just wanted sex with the guy who looked like a movie star. But I’m truth some wonderful women wanted me. But I’m too broken inside. I was going away from college. Air Force. God designed me as a warrior. I’m descended from a bunch of them. It’s like my body was designed to kill. I was molded by combat soldiers my whole life to kill. They had to fight in wars & kill. My time would come. There was always war. I secretly am too kind. I like butterflies & kittens. Not killing. I hated being a cowboy & hunter. Farming. Always killing. I’m a vegan. But I’m so good at killing At 500 yds I could kill a deer. Up up close. It’s like God made me in a lab & dropped me on earth to kill. A remnant of a past no one needs anymore. But I’m soft inside. I don’t even like stepping on a bug. Old soldiers told me men have no choice. War comes. We must fight. Other men will panic. They will need men like me to lead them or we will all die. They know. They lived thru it. Now my ex is going to let my kids be soldiers. I’ve had loved one go there & not come back. When do we get to stop fighting? She begged me not to mold my kids for war. I agreed. Time for her & my families to stop fighting for people who won’t fight beside us & don’t care if we die for them. Who spit on my family when they returned from Nam. You mother fuckers killed my cousin. He was kind & sweet. His dad made him go fight for you. Serve multiple tours to protect you. We fought in everyone of your wars to keep you safe. My grandpa killed a room full of Nazis all by himself when trapped behind enemy lines to make it back. He did that for you. My sweet cousin cried. He never wanted war. But we were at war. He did his duty for you. Killed for yrs for you till he couldnt take anymore. He came back broken. You spit on him. He only killed the enemy. No babies. No women. Yet you spit on him. He pulled me aside because I was s young version of him. Told me what war really is. I didn’t want to go anymore. But the liberals made him hate himself when he came back. He told me goodby. He was a kind & gentle man. The enemy couldn’t break him. But you did. I watched him save animals. Watched him smell flowers. He wouldn’t pick them. Yet he killed for you. You hated him for doing his job as a man. So he killed himself. This caused one of his brothers who demanded he goto war to break. He started crying & screaming. Why did I make him go. He killed himself. The dad broke. It was too much. He taught them it was our job to fight. Without us people would come here & kill you. They waded thru the dead over there. They knew what was really was. They killed. Watched men under them die in their arms. Held parts of friends. They didn’t like it either. But they had to fight. We had to fight. Men have to fight. So the dad killed himself too. A war hero from when they were still hero’s. He came back to parades. Not hate. But he sent all his sons to war. Now two were dead. The others freaking out. So he killed himself hard. Many long hours all alone. When they found him he was still dying. Couldn’t save him. Offered him an easy way out. Soldier to soldier. No. He would pay for sending his sons. They all made it back. Even the sweet baby. Then you killed his baby. You killed his other son. So he killed himself hard to pay for his sins. I didn’t want the Air Force. I was to be an officer in Special Forces. God bred me to kill. I’m designed to kill. I was molded by soldiers to be one of them. To kill. But I met you & you were so wonderful. I saved you from those men. You needed me. I told you I didn’t want a wife or kids. I was to be a soldier. I just liked having fun. I’d go do my 3-5. Maybe longer. Then I’d be a teacher. I wanted to teach history & art. Mostly art. I love the world. You agreed. Your dad was a hero. Your grandpa too. You understood. I put a ring on your finger. Then you begged me not to go. What? I’m a soldier. That’s what we do. So I compromised. No sniper. I’d join the Air Force. I’d serve without dropping people up close. You agreed. I took other courses in college. I had to enter as an officer. I’m to lead men not follow. But then you cried again. So I didn’t go. We talked. I agreed you were right. Time for us to retire our branch. We would stop serving a country that doesn’t care. So I would be a cop. Serve people here. You cried about that. Huh? How is a street thug a match for me? I could see a foreign army getting in a lucky shot. No two bit thug could get me. But I gave in. Do you not understand what I am. Why God made me different? It wasn’t to run touchdowns no matter what the coaches said. I didn’t want to go play for Notre Dame or Ohio State. I hurt people. I’d get all ramped up on the game. They’d start trying to hurt me on the field because they couldn’t stop me. So I’d get mad & run hard. Tackle hard. I broke people. Knocked people out. I quit football because I knew one day I’d kill someone accidentally. I was a man playing with boys when I was a boy. So I said I’ll be a fireman. You agreed. Then you cried about that. WTF? You wanted me to go back to engineering. I’m a cowboy from the mountains. I don’t like the city. I don’t like setting at a desk. I don’t like hearing soft men talk about how they cheat on their wives. They have no honor. I’m at home on a horse in nature. Not tied to a desk But I went back to school again. I begged to be a teacher so we could move around. I wanted to study historical sights. Wanted to teach people how to draw. That’s the real me. Nope. Had to stay by your family suddenly. There are no jobs. I finally got you to move far enough so I could make some money. I was tired of two low paid jobs plus other work on the side plus college. So I’d drive you a long way every other weekend to see your family. I set my butt at a desk by marshmallow men who talked nasty about their families as they cheated. I listened to how tough they were. I let lazy dumb fat guys tell me what to do. No matter how high you rise there’s a smart alleck in charge. But I did it. All for you. Somewhere in all of this you got pregnant. It scared me when you told me. I had been an abused orphan of sorts. I decided I never wanted kids. You didn’t want kids. Now we were parents? The pill fails? You talked me into not wearing the condom. My greatest shame Thor is that I didn’t want you that first moment. She caught me off guard. I worked two jobs baby. Dada went to two colleges. I never slept. Maybe 2 hrs at a time. Sometimes job to job without sleep. I hadn’t slept for 2-3 days. Your mom caught me after my boss yelled at me. I came home to sleep. She was scared. I said what. You can’t be. I fell in a chair. How? Magic sperm I guess. She cried. I was in shock. Only for a few moments. Less than a minute as my sleep deprived mind tried to grasp this. OK. I was working to pay bills & my two colleges. Plus her college. Now I’d just slow down & pay for a baby. She made me sell my trailer to rent in the city. I hate the city. I could make it work. My heart filled with joy. No one taught me to love. But I’d be a good daddy anyways. I picked up & cradled your mom. It would be great. It was only one minute of weakness. I was just tired baby. It was Monday morning. I hadn’t slept since Thur night. Dada was just tired. Your dada loved you baby. One minute. I’d make it up to you. I’d be a good daddy. Your mom quickly changed too. She’d had a bad mom. She was afraid to be a mommy. But now love filled her heart. Took her an hour I guess. We were now so happy. We would now have a bunch of kids. F it. We just wouldn’t be rich. That’s OK. You would be Thor. My Spanish dad hated my blond hair & blue eyes. So did my Native American mom. I had married a beautiful blond with blue eyes. You were going to look like a movie star. Your mom is beautiful too. Then you died. I’ve never recovered from that. I used to set alone in parks & miss you. Men cry Alone. Then I’d go home smiling. Your poor mom. It broke her Thor. She couldn’t handle losing you. I’d have to hold her as she cried instead of sleeping. So I kept working baby. Bought that big house we’d fill with kids. Remodeled it. I painted balloons. Your dad is an artist. Put in a crib. And waited. And waited. Waited for yrs. your mom was afraid. Afraid another baby would die. Then I almost died yet again. This time was different. It hurt my body. I suddenly realized even a 285 lb rock can die. I wasn’t afraid to die. I was afraid to leave your mom alone. Nothing scares me that I can deal with. No land animal. No other man. I’m the ultimate on land. I give the sea to the sharks. They can swim faster. But leaving your mom scared me. She’s so kind. So I offered to divorce. I’d pay off the house. Help her & her new husband. Baby set if he could deal with that. I had finally accepted I was dying. I’d been fighting it for yrs. Well now your mom wanted more kids. What? I’d given up on that. We were too old. Not in modern science. So we tried. Took a while. God Blessed us. Multiple times. I worked my butt off. But the disease hammered me. Near death over & over. Your dad’s not a quitter son. I’d walk out of that hospital swinging for the fences. I once hit a home run so far it disappeared into the trees behind the wall. When I swing chit happens. 70 hrs a week. Long drives. Then God gave me a wake up call. Woke up in a hospital. Almost died at work. Should be dead. Not me. I came out of that hospital swinging. 70 hrs a week. Fixing the house & cars. Then I woke up in the hospital. Almost died at work. I came out swinging. Your dad doesn’t go down. I’m a lion. Real lions fear me. At least they should. Well when I ended up in the hospital yet again they put me out to pasture. Doctors tried. Your moms tears convinced me. Hey. I had nearly 2 million in life insurance. Investments. House paid off. I’d fought hard. If I died they’d be fine. But those tears for me. I’m a cowboy son. Not s woman. But I kneel to only one. God. He touched my heart. The warrior took a knee & humbled himself. I became a shadow of a man as I slowly died. I changed diapers. Danced with Barney. Sang with Elmo. I surrounded your brothers & sister with love. Trust me. No one ever whipped them. I’d rip the arm out that ever hurt my babies. While I draw breath this world had better not ever hurt one of my babies. Or I will get back in my horse. You hurt one of them & I come for you. I told God that before all of them were born. I honor my word. I will die for my honor. I serve others. I am a knight in the army of God. Well dada is in a bad place baby. Moma divorced me. She’s very sick. Divorce made her worse. Her mom convinced her it would heal her. They blamed the wrong person. I was the glue that made us a happy family. Her mom moving next door is what made your mom sick. She’d had a problem for yrs. But I always made her smile. Your dada hurt her though. Not on purpose. I was dying. I’d go to bed when she finally came home from her moms. Exhausted. I still had kids to raise. But I was on experimental medicines in a last ditch effort to stay alive. I’d defied the odds for so long. Now I couldn’t make it to the finish line. Then a miracle. A kidney. I started bouncing back like a lion. Just in time to find myself divorced & living in a hotel. They’d planned it out. The transplant delayed it a few months. Once I could drive myself I was out. Turns out that last 1-2 yrs my mind was cloudy. I wasn’t the man I’d always been. Apparently I stopped taking her out. Stopped singing to her. Stopped kissing her moms butt. Stopped going to Church. Stopped fixing the house & cars. Stopped cooking fancy meals. Started opening cans. Stopped changing the oil. Stopped mowing the grass. Not all at once. A little at a time. I have no excuses. Men don’t stop. I guess my body failed me Thor. I can’t remember it all. I couldn’t have dialysis for a strange reason. So the toxins broke me down & clouded my mind. God poured sunlight back in just in time for me to start over. I started fixing everything. I was back. Then I was alone in a hotel. Why give me the kidney God? I’d fight. Win her back. Then a blood infection. I’m F’d up. I’ve had muscle spasms since Thur. Body shaking off & on every time I try to rise. Haven’t slept a second. What day is this? But Thor I named you that for a reason. Kids always thought I was a super hero as stupid as that sounds. They called me Spidy & stuff. Puberty hit & I became Hulk. Then some guy pointed out I look like Thor. OK. I accept that’s the closest one. So I went with that one. Beat being the hulk. My dad hated blond hair & blue eyes. So did my mom. Her family hated white people. I looked white so many of them hated me. My dad tried to kill me over this hair. My mom left me to die because of this hair. F them. F anyone who hates white people. Everyone who ever tried me got that a$$ whipped. Then & their friends. I’m not Thor. But I sure as F hit like him. I rocked their world son. I’m kind. I never started a single fight. But I hit back like a hammer. I hate bullies son. Always did. I fought for the disabled; black kids; Hispanics; white kids; girls; nerds; gays; women. You hurt the weak in front of me & your a man. I hurt you. Just enough to make you stop. I’m not a bad guy. But a few got rocked. Big mean guys. I showed them what a real man is. I once saw a man beating a woman. Right after you died in fact. I whipped his butt like a rag doll. He was a big muscular guy. Beating a woman in the face. I tossed him in the bushes. I picked her up in one hand. Poor thing. Blood pouring out of her face. I picked up her baby with the other. Took them to your mom. That SOB tried to attack again. I shielded them with my body. Put them in my apt. Shut the door. Then it was just him & me in the dark. You’d rather meet a mountain lion in the dark. I’ve eaten them. I laughed at him as he hit & kicked me. Then I went to work. Oh not to hurt him. To teach him. Made him cry. Made him beg. I hate bullies. I’d twist & bend him. No permanent damage. Just to make him squeal. He’d made a woman cry in the dark. God sent me to set that right. The wicked serve satan. I serve God. He thought he was a man. Tough guy. He cried & begged. I let him go. He never forgot me. They never do. That’s who your dada is Thor. I may be dying. I never can tell anymore. But if not. I’ll rise again. Go see your brothers & sister again. Go try to help your mom. Don’t blame her son. She’s sick too. Her mom has a weird hold on her I can’t figure out. I will keep serving her till I die. I never stop loving baby. Your dada has been talking to you since the day you died. I know it’s been many years. The docs keep writing me off. I want to see you. But your safe with God. People here still need a warrior to fight for them. I’m not much any more. But I’ll never walk away if I see someone in need & im all they have. Your mom still needs me. Doesn’t see it though. I haven’t slept. But I’m fixing to try to rise. Make that drive. Climb back under that hot house. Wish she’d let me use the bathroom. All those trips to the store & putting in the mask. But that’s OK. I can’t eat or I’ll throw up. Drains me. But as that bear found out I’m one tuff mother. I may see you soon son. I may end up in this floor I find myself in all day. I may make it tomorrow. Not sure how much more this body can take. Your mom thought I glowed in the hospital once. She hadn’t slept for days worried about me. It was just sunlight. She asked how I came back from the dead. I said I’d been in Heaven & chose to return. One day she said are you an angel. Not yet. Just an F’d up human. Well Thor. Tote the real Thor. Not me. I always thought kids were goofy. I’d save them. Or win at sports. They’d call me stuff. Strange. I have a name. But no one ever calls me that. I’m always Brad Pitt. Cap. Tom Cruise. Hulk. Thor. Something. I laughed. Your oldest brothers friends called me cowboy. They had autism. They’d all run up & hug me. Not sure why kids like me so much. I go places & toddlers just run up & talk to me. Try to hug me. Babies laugh & coo at me. So weird. I try to ignore them. Glad I don’t have to goto kids docs or schools anymore. Your mom loves it. She’d say they knew God loved me. Your mom is a little delusional. She’s convinced God works thru me to reach people. Right. I’m a broken autistic person. I don’t think anyone out there cares what I have to say. I rarely speak. I’m only texting because I think my time is near. Anyways Thor. I’m fixing to charge this phone. I don’t know what day it is. But I’m fixing to try to stand. We shall see. If I fail I’ll try to stand tomorrow. One day I’ll die. But God will have to reach down here & take me home. I’ll never stop fighting. It’s funny. Your mom calls me Wolverine. What is it with these super hero nick names. You kids laughed at her & call me Deadpool. I crack jokes. I dance. I’m a smart a$$. Think I’m invincible. Can’t seem to die. I’m always practicing with two swords at once. Great with weapons. He used to be attractive like me? Not sure. Don’t know much about him. Ooohhh. That’s right. I was skinny right before the transplant. Your sister said I looked like Ryan Renolds. Is that his name? I don’t see it. Especially since I swelled back up. Later baby. Dada gotta try. Probably end up in this floor crawling all day. But Thor that one minute I wasn’t happy about you is the worst moment in my life. My biggest sin. I’ve appologized to you over & over. I’m so sorry baby. Dada loves you Thor. See you one day. But not today.