I’ve been in a relationship with a guy I met when I was 15, he was my first *real* love, the guy I lost my virginity to, everything and in-between. Forward to now, I’m 19 turning 20 soon. Let’s call my boyfriend, Oscar (he’s 20). I met Oscar at a very bad time in my life, my dad went to jail and when he got out, my parents were no longer happy and wanted to divorce. My family was no where near satisfied economically, but I can say we were wealthy because we had each other and never missed a meal. However when my dad got in trouble with the law, we lost everything we had... This is when I started sneaking out with Oscar, met him for the real him, but I could just tell that there was something wrong. He was never satisfied, we were always arguing, and he was extremely jealous. I knew why though, he was a PLAYER before “settling” down with me. Eventually I ended up finding out the reason he would make these arguments was to break up with me so he could hang with other girls, which is what he did with his ex too. Before I turned 16, I moved out with my dad and when I say things got bad, stuff hit the fan. My dad ended up leaving me there by myself to flee the country, leaving my family in debt and penniless. I ended up moving in back with my mom and my sister, whereas my mom was understanding but she never fully felt what I did. Eventually I got tired of Oscar’s games at this time in my life so we decided to break up. This was when I turned into someone who uh,,, acted out? I was smoking, drinking, talking to a couple of different boys, etc... Eventually I ended up messing with his old best friend and we did “it”. Sort of for like, revenge and to make sure I never went back. But boy, I was wrong. After that happened I was disgusted with myself. I ended up finding my dream boy, who was not Oscar...but sadly I didn’t want to be with him only because I felt like I didn’t deserve him. I went back to Oscar and haven’t gone back since. I want to start off by saying I’m not perfect in any way, I am not free of flaws and yes I have messed up many times too. I am only human, I have a temper, I have made mistakes but I have learned from them.Our relationship has been on and off for years, but I have felt that the most mistreatment has come from him because I know he does not respect me. Eventually, he did find out about his best friend and of course he retaliated in his own ways. He would rather stay and make me suffer than to leave me once and for all. Yet, I stayed and I really don’t know why. I lost basically all my good friends because they did not like him. My mom even stopped liking him because she knew he was bad news, he never really made an effort to meet her. I began to sneak him around, skip school, lie about where I was going, etc... My relationship with my mom has been tainted since the whole thing with my dad happened, if you ask me I think she feels like I miss him or that I want to talk to him. It’s the opposite though, and I wish she knew that. Eventually she met someone she liked, and he’s a great guy but he doesn’t have the best values/opinions. It has caused my mom to think the same way. My mom eventually found out I was sneaking around with Oscar, even found a pregnancy test and she had me at 15 so you know how that goes. The last couple of weeks before I graduated were hazy. I remember my mom and I arguing 24/7 for no reason, she was just so mean and I really don’t know why. She was extremely mean and it made me cry every night, I just wanted to have a good relationship with my mom. I wanted to stop the lies and the sneaking and I told Oscar all of this, he understood and for months prior we had been talking about telling my mom we were together, but it never got to that. My friend hooked me up with a job, which my mom did not want me to have. I genuinely didn’t know why, she let me have a job when I was 17. She just didn’t want me to work at all. That weekend, I wanted to go to the beach and my mom didn’t let me go for some dumb reason I don’t even remember, she was just claiming I was a liar. She didn’t let me go and I was so upset, what 18 year old STILL needed to ask her mom to go out? None of my friends did. During this heated argument, she constantly threatened to not let me go work with my friend. She really was not gonna let me work, but my friend had already hooked me up with the job and I couldn’t NOT go, if I didn’t go then I would be once again powerless because of my mom. So eventually I talked to Oscar about this and he knew I was super upset, so eventually the conversation came up... I was 18 and graduated, I could move out with him. So I did just that. I moved in with Oscar and his parents. (Which I have been grateful for) Have been living here ever since. The first few weeks were good, but then I started finding things out about his past that he had lied about. On top of that, he was constantly giving me a nasty attitude and when I said something about it, he was like:” you have always known I’ve been like this, I don’t know what you want me to do, you can’t come here and expect me to change just because you want me to.” I have found out many things that I simply don’t like...and it has gotten bad to the point where we’ve fought physically or I’ve laid hands on him or he has laid his hands on me. However, keep in mind I am 5’1 and 110 lbs, he is almost 6 feet 250+ lbs... there is no way I could do ANYTHING to actually hurt him. He has lied, talked to his exes, spammed girls on Instagram, hung out with some girl (keep in mind I’m not allowed to have friends), the list goes on...the only thing I can say is that I have never seen any prove of him cheating because he never lets me touch his phone. Literally. I have never touched his phone, not even for emergencies. But I am supposed to let him use my socials, my phone, and computer. I can honestly and wholeheartedly say that the only thing I’ve done that is wrong is that one time he caught me texting an old friend of mine who happens to be a guy, that was the night he first laid his hands on me and I was left with bruises all over my neck. The second time he caught me “doing something wrong” some rando person added me on Snapchat and said some guy I used to be friends with gave him my username, he took my phone and slapped me with it. I haven’t done anything wrong since. I Just want to say I am tired. I don’t know what to do, where to go, what to say. I am a college student with an OK job, I don’t know if I could handle rent on my own because I earn about 1200 on a good month. I have nowhere to go, and my mom is not an option because she lives with her “friend”. I just want to see if anyone can give me suggestions on what to do. How I could handle living on my own, waiting it out, talking to him which is not what I feel like doing right now. I really need help. I want to see my options, I’m tired of living with him because I know if I continue living here I will continue with a person who simply doesn’t love me.