I'm happy. That's what people know me for. But most of the time I'm faking. I'm tired of being too much and too big and too loud. I'm tired of feeling bad for taking up room in my own life. I'm not suicidal, but sometimes I just want to not feel or think for a while. I miss being innocent and naive to the tragedies around me. I miss being able to turn a blind eye to the pain and suffering of others. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, but right now I can only think about how I feel like I'm swimming, barely keeping my head above the water. I have so many tragedies circling in my head. Victims of police brutality, the Muslim genocide in China, the wildfires across California and Oregon, the famine in Yemen, Covid19. Covid especially has decimated me. I felt like I'd finally built something I was proud of- a support network of people I loved. Then COVID shredded it.