Not to be absolutely devastating, but I don't know what to do anymore. I am so incredibly tired. I'm relatively young, 20 years old, but I keep going through cycles of optimism and genuine effort just to end up disappointed with life in the end. I almost don't even want to go through another one of these cycles, which I know will inevitable happen. I feel like I can't even feel good about things in the moment because I know it'll go downhill eventually. And I know this is what life is about, the storm, the stillness, the recovery, then the calm and sunshine after the storm, whatever. Please don't tell me to learn to just "be present in the moment," as I've tried this many times, and after coming out of that moment, I have declared that it still is not worth it. If anything, the nostalgia from that moment might make things even worse when I reminisce on it later on when things are not as good.
I feel like everything I do is futile. People have told me to keep going to prove things to people or to prove things to myself. "Prove your peers wrong by getting into a good college," or, "prove to your parents that you can still make something out of yourself and you're capable of making your own decisions," or, "prove to yourself that you can become anything and everything you've ever wanted to be," or even, "prove to yourself that you're at least better than you were last year." I don't care anymore. Why should I prove any of these? What's the point of it all? I think it's stupid to do any of these things just to prove a point, even if it's just to myself. I feel like it all comes down to having pride as the main motivational force behind anything anyone ever does, even if it comes from a place of self-fulfillment. Doesn't self-fulfillment give a sense of pride too? I'm so tired. I don't care about proving anything to anyone. I don't care anymore. I can't find anything to care about, and I've tried so, so hard. I'm so tired of exuding effort that eventually ends up wasted, disappointing, or bringing me to a depressed place that becomes exponentially worse with every revisit. I think I'm in another rut, but nothing I've done in the past to recover is working anymore. Give me a reason to just keep going, not that I am going to do anything risky. I just want to know why I should keep going. And please don't give me something like "to feel the sunshine on your skin," or, "to meet your soulmate," or, "so you can figure out what you've been working so hard for this whole time." I really don't care.
I don't mean to sound selfish. I know there are many things to care about right now, and I have tried to help as much as I can. I'm not a morally bad person, I just have no regard for myself right now. And before you suggest therapy, meditation, or religion, I have already tried.