I'm tired of doing this

Time Spent- 17m
12 Visitors

I started cutting myself again, it has been a week since I didn't do it, but today I started it again and I know it's gonna last days. Continuously cutting until there is any space left for cutting. It all started from my wrist with a clean one line but soon it went to rough ugly lines at a time. I started cutting my arms and thighs, and it's so ugly.

Whenever I remove my clothes to bath I see my scars and feel so disgusted, I scrub my body as if it'll make them disappear. I'm so tired of doing this and I want to rest now, but people will blame me if I kill myself, they'll say I'm selfish and ungrateful but isn't it okay to be selfish for once? Afterall I've been thinking about my family and friends my whole life but I never got anything from them, of course I got betrayal, hatred, and anger, but does that count as something? I'm confused, everytime I feel lonely, my stomach hurts and I feel like throwing up and crying but nothing comes out but there's a lump on my throat like a parasyte.

I want to stop cutting but if I don't I feel I'm not myself because it's just how I am, I'm struggling with school, I want to stop studying already but my parents are pressuring me not knowing I'm unable to study anymore. I want to live my dream, I want to be free, I want to go away from here. I'm scared, but I don't know what I'm scared of. I'm completely lost, I want someone to find me.