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I’m tired of it all

(trigger warning, mentions of suicide and some cuss words)

I’ve been in a bad state mentally this past year, everything has been absolute shit.

(excuse my language)

I’ve been told things get better, but i’m thinking otherwise. My heart aches everyday, i cry and cry. I’m not sure if this is depression (since i don’t want to self diagnose myself) or if i’m just sad. I feel worthless, a waste of space and money, i’m convinced that everyone hates me. Including my own father, he was never there for me but i always made excuses for him. Lately i’ve just stopped caring, it’s like something inside me got tired of constantly telling myself that he was just busy or had work, etc. I always knew he would choose my brothers over me, to be honest I can’t even remember the last time he said the words “I love you” to me. It’s fucked up i know, but i can’t stop thinking... I’m an over thinker, that i know. So shit makes me go insane.

I’ve been thinking about suicide, how nice it would be if i just stopped living. Just to be free of all this shit, i doubt anyone would miss me. No one messages me, no one cares for me. It wouldn’t be a big of a difference.

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Re: I’m tired of it all

My wife divorced me. I never get to see my kids. I love them so much. I raised them.

A lot of men have trouble showing emotion. Many also favor their boys. Moms usually favor girls.

Here’s my parents. Dad threw me out for having blond hair at 2. Last time saw him he threatened to shoot my children. We went to check on him. Kids said they loved him. He pulled a gun.

My mom abandon me in woods as a boy. See. I understand.

You have to live for you. You can’t worry & wait for love. My parents never hugged me or said they loved me a single time. I became an orphan of sorts. Years of rape & torture. Yet I keep fighting. You only get one life. Ride it to the end.

Would you believe in my 40’s I met my favorite athlete. In my 50’s I met a famous singer I had the hots for in high school. She seemed to be trying to pick me up till she realized I was married. I also have met one of my favorite actors from high school. Watched my kids win city; state; & national titles in sports. I tried to kill myself at 7. I was tired of the abuse. I almost died. Had I died I’d never had all that joy.

I have training. I’ve saved lives. Saved a little boy who stopped breathing. I’ve met his kids. I saved a tiny black girl. You never know what life holds for you. Don’t quit. The world needs you. Your kind.

I feel your pain. I’ve gone through the exact same emotions lately. The thought that tomorrow will be better is what gets me through. Somebody does love you and that person/people would be crushed if you were not here. I’m an over thinker but recently realised that stuff doesn’t just happen to me, it’s not always as personal as I make it. Sometimes it just happens and those things you just need to shrug off